A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade. The boy said "Ma'am, I should be in 4th grade, Ï'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade". The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know. Principal: What's 3+3? Boy: 6 Principal: 6+6? Boy: 12 & so on.. The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked M'am to send the boy to 4th grade. M'am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed. 1. M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that Ï've only 2 of? Boy: Legs 2. M'am: What's in ur pants that u have but I don't have? Boy: Pockets 3. M'am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut 4. M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum 5. M'am: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I? Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless 6. M'am: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me 1st; what am I? Boy: Wedding Ring 7. M'am: I come in many sizes. When Ï'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose 8. M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver Boy: Arrow 9. M'am: What starts with 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if u dont get it, u've to use ur hand? Boy:Fork 10. M'am: Whats it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname 11. M'am: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpin & is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher "Send the boy to the University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!"
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And so the statues came to life. They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'll sh*t on its head!"
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. ' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless Tit?' Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
My mate is a taxi driver in Liverpool and he picked these 2 Chinese businessmen men up from Manchester Airport yesterday and drove them to the Crown Plaza at Man Island they got out the taxi and went into the hotel. When he drove off he noticed they had left a brief case on the back seat. He opened the case and discovered £60,000 in cash. Tommy a very religious lad and as honest as the day is long took the case back to the hotel and ask which room the men were in. Reception rang their room and they came down and could not thank him enough. They offered him £1,000 which he wouldn’t take but eventually agreed to take £100. They said you have been very kind and we are here for the Grand National…. Put your £100 on these 2 horses and you will win big. They have gone £15000 ew on both horses. Good Luck everyone Here are the 2 Horses 4.00 Aintree 天地天地玄黃天地玄黃 天地玄黃天地玄黃
A woman walked into a bar with a big, vicious-looking monster on a leash. “Sorry, madam,” said the bartender, “but that creature looks dangerous. You’ll have to tie him up outside.” The woman took the monster outside, then came back and ordered a drink. She was just finishing it when a man came into the bar and said, “Whose monster is that outside?” “Mine,” said the woman proudly. “Well, I’m sorry,” the man said, “but my dog just killed your monster.” “Killed him! What kind of dog do you have?” “A miniature poodle,” said the man. “But how could a miniature poodle kill my great big monster?” “She got stuck in his throat and choked him!”
There was a ruckus going on down the street. One of the rioters threw a brick through our kitchen window and hit my wife on the head, knocking her out. I ran outside and chased the bastard down. I dragged him back to the house and pointed to my bloodied wife in a heap on the floor. I pulled out a knife and said, "It's time to face the consequences of your actions." Shaking, he said, "What are you going to do?" "Me?" I replied, handing him the knife. "I'm not going to do anything. YOU'RE going to finish making my sandwich."
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. ' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless Tit?' Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it. The little boy calls out, “My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn’t have to come the ladder when he dropped one.” The handyman says, “Yeah, that’s great, kid”, and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder. The little boy calls out again, “My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn’t have to come down the ladder when he dropped one.” The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush. When he’s finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. “I suppose your daddy has two of these too?” he asked. “Nope,” says the little boy, “but my daddy’s is twice as big!”
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!” The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what “AH” meant. The officer said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an asshole!” and then returned to his cruiser. The violator’s bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?” “Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'” “What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?” “Aggressive and hostile, sir.” “Aggressive and hostile?” “Yes, sir.” “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘asshole’?” The officer said. “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”
A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it. Her husband won’t listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet. At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. She’s intrigued by all of them and then sees a bird as big as a bald eagle, but that looks like a parrot with all its colors. She asks the store clerk what the bird is, and the clerk replies “Oh, it’s a goony bird! We just got it from Siberia! It’s tame really, go on and pet it!” So the woman did, and the goony bird affectionately rubbed its beak against the back of her hand. “That’s not all it can do!” continued the clerk. “These birds, aside from being loyal to their owners, are also used as protection birds! And so the clerk said “Goony bird! The shelf!” And the goony bird extended its large wings to their full span and flew over to the shelf across the room. It then proceeded to destroy and demolish the shelf. Once all that remained of the shelf was a pile of kindling, it went back to its shelf. The clerk continued, “Goony bird! The birdcage!” And so the goony bird destroyed the metal birdcage. The woman bought the goony bird instantly. She went back home to find her husband, no surprise, sitting on the couch, watching the big game. “You’re back,” he grumbles, barely looking up. “Have you got any salsa and chips for me? The cabinet’s out of it.” The woman smiles. “Honey, you won’t believe what I got from the store! It’s a goony bird, from Siberia!” The husband snorted with his usual put-down tone. “Goony bird, my ass!”
The Brothel The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you, sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, 'Billings, Montana.' 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings.' 'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer