A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that.....can I see her wun awound"
The Devon and Cornwall music festival has been cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream.
A general, inspecting troops, stops in front of a private and says, "There is a submarine surfacing in front of you. How will you deal with it?" Private: I'd wait till it's 20 meters up in the air and shoot it with my anti-aircraft gun SIR. General: And where are you going to get an anti-aircraft gun from? Private: Same place that you got the submarine from SIR.
In the late 1920's a missionary deep in the Amazonian jungle lands on a tribe of cannibals. He is swiftly tied up and informed he would be todays meal. Alarmed at first the missionary remembers there will be an eclipse late afternoon and it dawns on him that he could convince the tribe he's blacking out the sun. But he suddenly gets afraid that he would be killed early so he asks for the Chief. "Hey Chief! When are you gonna execute me?" asks the missionary. "Late in the afternoon. Very late. Right after the eclipse" the Chief replies...
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said; “Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.” Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons'?” Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?, well I did what I had to do” Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.” “I recall that,” says Chuck “And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “All right,” Beth said “So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
Woman "Gravity is the most fundamental force in the Universe" Man "What would happen if you took it away?" Woman "You'd have gravy"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”