AS I SLOWLY SLIPPED MY FINGER INSIDE HER HOLE, I COULD IMMEDIATELY FEEL IT GETTING WETTER AND WETTER. I TOOK MY FINGER OUT, AND WITHIN SECONDS SHE WAS GOING DOWN ON ME. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, I REALLY DO NEED A NEW F$CKING BOAT!
Paddy is suffering from constipation so he sees his doctor. The doctor gives him a suppository and tells him to put it in his back passage. A week later Paddy goes back to the doctor who asked him if he has followed his instructions. Paddy replies "I don’t have a back passage in my house so I put it in the hall, but I might as well have stuck it up my arse for all the good it did."
A blonde was trying to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.” “Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A man walks in an elevator and is greeted by a lustrous woman who proceeds to undress as the elevator doors close. "Make me feel like a real woman!" she pleads. The man undresses as well and hands his clothes to the woman saying " I like a light ironing for the pants and no starch on the shirt collar"
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in. When me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still can't shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"
It's St George's Day, and a Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub when an Englishman bursts in and shouts "Drinks all round barman, we're having a toast! My son was born today, and being a true Englishman I've named him George!" Welshman turns and says "Congratulations! My lad was born on St David's Day and being A true Welshman I named him David." Scotsman says "Funny you should say that, my lad was born on St Andrew's Day and being A true Scot I named him Andrew." Irishman says "Bejeesus this is a coincidence! Wait 'til I get home and tell our Pancake!"
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?” “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field. "That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this." Next the Australian pointed out his cattle. "They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows." Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road. "What are those?" asked the Texan. The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
Little Jimmy and Johnny were boasting as little boys do about how good their dads were at various things. Each time Johnny came out on top. Exasperated Jimmy says that his Dad is so clever when he smokes a cigarette he can blow the smoke out of his nose. Not to be outdone Johnny says that was nothing very clever about that because his Dad smokes he can blow the smoke out of his arse. Jimmy says "I don't believe you. Have you ever seen him do this.?" Johnny is quiet for a while and say, " well I have never actually seen him do it but I have seen the nicotine stains on his underpants."
A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students. All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in a panic. The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?” “I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this plane will never even start”
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a bloke comes in and asks to be confessed. "Very well, my child," says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, "Tell me about your sins." "Well, Father," says the bloke, "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father." "Don't worry, child," says the priest, "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, so just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins." "But Father," continues the man, "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father." "Oh, child," says the Father, "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins." "But Father," says the bloke again, "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... Again I sinned, Father." "Good Lord," says the priest, "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-" "But Father," says the bloke, "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was the maid, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father." The priest falls silent. "And then," continues the bloke, "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her aunt, and , well... the two of us alone, the house empty..." The priest still did not answer. "And on Saturday," said the bloke, "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her grandmother, and, well..." The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry. "Father," he calls, "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!" "Like f**k I'm coming down," says the priest, "The two of us alone, the church empty..."
The difference between the three Celtic peoples: The Scots keep the Sabbath and everything else they can lay their hands on. The Welsh pray on their knees on Sunday, and prey on everyone else the other days of the week. The Irish don’t know what they want and will fight anyone for it.