It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. "Fishin' ",replied the old man. "Poor old fool" thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?" "You're the eighth", he replied!
Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop... As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... only two left."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighbourhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up and they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money and its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: "We've got to give it back". She says, "Finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door and says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says: "No".. The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the policemen sit the man down and begin to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..." At this, the policeman looks at his partner and says: "We're outta here ..."
Prayers A mother was putting her daughter to bed and encouraged her to say her prayers. The child replied, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and lord, please send clothes to all those girls on daddies computer"
The Seven Dwarves go to the Vatican and are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. ‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘ What can I do for you?’ Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’ The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome’ In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back. ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’ The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe' This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’ The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’ The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting…… ‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’ ‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
A receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!” The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist. “He's over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment “It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly “And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?” “The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady “Try standing on the dresser!”
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending a great athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name. In those days the athletes performed naked (believe it or not). To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events. At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics". Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
A guy is driving down the road when he sees an old man sitting on a stump, bawling his eyes out. So the guy stops the car and asks the old man what’s the matter. “I’ve had a great life,” says the old man. “I’m a successful plumber, and I just sold my company to a large corporate builder for gazillions.” The guy says, “So what’s the problem?” The old man snuffles into his sleeve and says, “I built myself a huge mansion with a swimming pool!” The guy looks puzzled and says, “Okay, so what’s the problem?” The old man wails and says, “I own a fleet of beautiful cars, and my own private jet!” The guy scratches his head and says, “I’m with you so far, but I still don’t see what the problem is.” The old man blows his nose loudly and says, “Yesterday I got married to a 20-year-old Playboy bunny!” The guy loses his temper. “Dammit, old man – what is your problem?” The old man sobs piteously. “I can’t remember where I live!
On their first night together a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says “My dear we are married now, you can open your robe” The beautiful young woman opens her robe and he's astonished “Oh wow” he exclaims “my god you are so beautiful. Let me take your picture” Puzzled, she asks “My picture?” He answers “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever” She smiles and he takes her picture. Then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks “Why do you wear a robe, we are married now” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims “Oh my let me get a picture” He beams and asks “Why?” She answers “So I can get it enlarged”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so of course I had to ground him... ...he is doing better currently.... conducting himself properly.