As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus- stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin. With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. “My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. “My what big ears you have Mr Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign “My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a Crap!”
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog'. ‘His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.' He told Sniffer to ‘search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, ‘Good boy', and he turned to the man and said ‘ That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' ‘Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' ‘I like it!' said his seatmate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, ‘What's going on?' The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He's just found a bomb.'
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: “Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.” The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.” The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him “Where are you?” the man asked “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked “Where were you when I got married last week?”
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. "Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero." "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children. The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?" Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your arse!
I've just found out, if you turn a tortoise upside down and spin it round on the floor as fast as you can... ...It doesn't fecking like it.
Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight..?" "No fecking way..!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going back home to my Mother!!
Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex? It goes like this: "One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday." "But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer." "When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life." "After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' " "When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too." "Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't a man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees! The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone! He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his mobile phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph!” The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone! "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!" He began his series of questions: Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!" Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!" Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The s**t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!”
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office: When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher, i sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs." The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied. "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained.... "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter."
Joke told by Norm Macdonald at the Conan show: My wife was in a coma when the doctor suggested oral sex to snap her out of it. He saw it done once and it might be worth a try he continued. So I went in the room only to run out a few minutes later. "I can't do it, Doc!" "Why not!?" "She keeps choking!!"