The Livestock auction A man and his wife went to a livestock auction and looked at a farmer's selection of breeding bulls The first pen had a sign that read: This bull mated 50 times last year. The man's wife playfully nudged him and said, "Wow, that's almost once per week!" They walked to the second pen, which had a sign that read: This bull mated 150 times last year. The man's wife jabbed him a bit harder and said with a smirk, "Goodness, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen, which had a sign that read: This bull mated 365 times last year. The man's wife aggressively elbowed him in the ribs and exclaimed, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one." Annoyed, the man turned to his wife and said, "Go over and ask the farmer if every time was with the same old cow."
Two pals who had a double wedding 8 years ago were talking in the pub. One said ”Why is it that we both got married on the same day 8 years ago and I have 8 kids and you have none?” His friend said: “It’s simple – I always use the safe period” the first man said “When’s that” his pal replied “When you’re on nights”
Pedro lives in an orphanage. One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands claped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians. Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?" Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies." Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies. The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-" "Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"
Henry thinks his wife's cheating on him when he's at work and tells a friend. The friend advises to hang a spoon under the bed over a glass of cream. It would leave a dried stain if any activity. A few days later the friend asks Henry if there was any stains on the spoon. "I couldn't tell" Henry says. "The spoon was stuck in butter..."
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me paint brush."
One day, in a lowly locality down in Alabama, two rednecks were arguing who was the most endowed. This had been going on for so long that the bartender, in exasperation, orders the pair to "whip them out" and slap them on a table to have them measured. As the bartender proceeds to measure the appendages, a gay man walks in and looks at the scene before him. "Want a beer?" the bartender asks. "No." the gay man replies. " I'll just have the buffet..."
The teacher said.. Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. "Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little s**t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Oh s**t, we are screwed."* Little Akio said quietly, *"All Americans, 2020, "when the government quarantined the healthy and shut down America over a measly virus."
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, £300 and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka Fook ....I thought I had a crack in my £300 Armani leather shoes!!..
Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool After both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget!!..
Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left. The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix." "Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try. On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?" "No, I am a Rabbi."
A married couple are driving along a motorway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, She keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.”