A nurse on her way to work noticed a copper on a bridge with a speed gun and when she went under the bridge the copper pulled her over Why the hurry he said? I'm late for work What do you do he asked I'm a consultant anus stretcher What's that he said She said I have to put a finger from each hand in the anus , gently stretch it till I can get both hands in and stretch till it's about 6 foot What do you do with 6 ft. Arsehole he said puzzled We stand them on a bridge with a speed gun
Once upon a time there were three brothers who wanted to win the prize at the state fair for the largest pig. They tried everything to get the pig larger, but he kept s**tting the food right out. One day, one of the brothers got the idea to stick a cork in its ass to hold the food in. Surprisingly enough it worked! The pig kept getting bigger and bigger, until it was the size of a house! It took a semi to get the pig to the fair, but they got it there and won the blue ribbon. The fact that transporting the pig there and back cost more than the prize money is beside the fact. When they got the pig home they were faced with a dilemma; what do you do with a pig the size of a house? You can't kill it because it would take forever to dig a hole big enough to bury it. Well, one of the brothers had a bright idea. They went out and bought a monkey and a ladder. For 2 weeks they trained the money to climb the ladder and pull a cork out of a bottle by giving him a banana if he did. Finally when they thought he was ready they set the ladder up next to the pig The brothers watched as the monkey climbed up the ladder, looked around hesitantly, then grabbed the cork. Everything went black. Sometime later the brothers wake up in the hospital. A doctor leaned over the first brother and said, "son, you've been in a coma for the last month. Can you remember the last thing that happened?" "Well" , said the first brother, "the last thing I remember was pig s**t flying everywhere." The doctor leaned over the second brother and said, "son, you've been in a coma for the last month. Can you remember the last thing that happened?" "Well" , said the second brother, "the last thing I remember was pig s**t flying everywhere." The doctor leaned over the third brother and said, "son, you've been in a coma for the last month. Can you remember the last thing that happened?" "Well," said the third brother, "the last thing I remember is that poor monkey trying to shove the cork back in.
A priest can't make his morning confessional so he give a list of penances for the appropriate sins to his acolyte and makes him take his place. Soon a man walks in the booth and says that he slept with a girl he picked up from a bar. The acolyte looks for fornication on the list and gives the penances to the man. Another man walks in and says he slept with his neighbors wife. The acolyte looks for adultery on the list and gives the proper penances. A lady walks in and says she gave a man a blow job. The acolyte looks for fellatio on the list. Nothing. He looks for blow job. Nothing! In desperation he opens the confessional door just as a choir boy was walking by. "Hey, kid! What does the priest give for a blow job?" "A Coke and a chocolate bar" was the reply...
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
A priest goes golfing accompanied by his acolyte. On the third hole he swings and the ball ends up in the woods. "Goddamn, f**king bastard of a wind!" the priest yells out. "Sir! Don't do that. The Lord will take offense!" On the eight hole the priest swings and the ball goes in the pond. "Goddamn, motherf**king s**t faced wind!" the priest yells out again. "Sir! The Lord will strike you down". As the acolyte says this a bolt of lightning falls from the heavens and strikes the poor acolyte! As the priest stood dumbfounded he hears a voice from on high saying " Goddamn, stupid little wind..."
A gynecologist was tired of his job and decided to take up auto mechanics. The final exam was to take apart a transmission and put it back together again. Upon completion the teachers summoned the gynecologist in their office to tell him he would be awarded a final note of 150% "150%!?! How can that be" the bewildered man blurted out. "Well, you get 100% for the job of course. The extra 50% is because you did it all through the mufflers exhaust pipe..."
Four nuns are standing in line in front of St Peter, the doorman of the Pearly Gates, after dying in a car accident. St Peter calls the first nun and asks if she did anything reprehensible. After admitting to holding someones manhood with her hand he tells her to rinse her hand in the vessel of holy water and proceed on thru the gates. He then calls the second nun and asks the same question. Upon admitting she held someones manhood with both hands he also tells her to go rinse both her hands in holy water and go on ahead. As the third nun approaches the fourth one pushes her aside and says to St Peter, "Hey! Can I go rinse my mouth before she rinses her ass?"
A maintenance worker working at a posh office building had a farting problem. Especially when he had to take the elevator. Talking to his doctor about it, the doctor suggests pine gum suppositories. It would smell like pine trees. So the maintenance worker is back at work with a suppository up his ass and walks into an elevator occupied by 3 executives. The worker can't hold himself and cuts a silent one. One of the execs says, "What's that smell?" "Smells like someone shat under a pine tree" replies another...
Two polar bears, a father and son, are walking around in the Arctic. The son looks at the father and says, ”Dad, I've got a question. Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?” The father looks at his son and says, “Yes son, you're 100% polar bear” “OK” the son says. They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: “Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?” The father again says, “Yes son, you’re 100% polar bear” “OK” says the son. About 30 min later the son says, “OK dad, be serious. Are you sure I am 100% polar bear. Are You sure there is no black bear or grizzly bear in me?” “Yes son you're 100% polar bear. I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?” The son says, “Well I don’t know about you but I am bloody freezing”
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colours. One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.” One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.” Hearing that the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.” After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house. They peeked at the bird. In the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
There once was a florist who did good business selling flowers on a street corner. One day, a group of friars moved in and set up their own flower stall across the street. Of course, the florist began losing business because everyone preferred to buy their flowers from the men of god. The florist decided to hire a hitman, named Hugh, to stop the friars. Hugh went across the street in the middle of the night and smashed the friars' stall, burned their flowers, and then went and beat up the friars in their beds. From then on the florist enjoyed much higher sales, proving once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. “We’ve started something new,” said the first scientist. “For some of our more dangerous experiments, we’re now using lawyers.” “Lawyers?” questioned her colleague. “But we’ve always used rats.” “Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats.”
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Tootsie, Joni, Jan, Bonnie, Judy and Muffy. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus. A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about. The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh s**t, I'm on the wrong bus!