Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." " We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?.......Why, we're Pisscopalians.
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of Year 3. The boy said 'Miss, I should be in Year 4, I'm smarter than my sister and she's in Year 4'. The Teacher had heard enough of his complaints and took the boy to the Head Teacher's office. She explained everything to the Head Teacher who decided to test the boy with some questions that someone in Year 4 should know. Head Teacher: What's 3+3? Boy: 6 Head Teacher: 6+6? Boy: 12 And so on... The Head Teacher asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Head Teacher then asked The Teacher to send the boy to Year 4. The Teacher decided to ask some more questions and the Head Teacher agreed. Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of, that I've only 2 of? Boy: Legs Teacher: What's in your pants that you have but I don't have? Boy: Pockets Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The Head Teacher's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I? Boy: Tent The Head Teacher is looking restless. Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? Boy: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose Teacher: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver? Boy: Arrow Teacher: What starts with an 'F' and ends with a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand? Boy: Fork Teacher: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname Teacher: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins, pumps and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart The Head Teacher breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher: 'Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!'
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer shouted an ordered to the sailor, saying, “You get a broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!” The sailor picked up a broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a Tern landed on the broom handle. The lad picked the Tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The Tern left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine over and over again. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returned. In the morning, the chief petty officer came to check the sailor and his work. “What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief. The sailor replied, “Honest, chief, I tossed a Tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!”
Buddy and his friend Tom went out hunting and since this was Tom’s first time ever he was following Buddy’s lead. Buddy saw a small herd of deer and told Tom to stay right where he was and to be really quiet. After a few minutes, Buddy heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Tom what had happened. Tom said “There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.” “So then what did make you scream,” Buddyx asked, exasperated. “Well,” Tom continued, “two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, “Should we take them home or eat ’em now?”
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.
When I am bored, I like to ring up Currys and ask if they deliver. When they say "yes", I like to respond with "Well, I'll have a Lamb Balti with a Keema Naan, and the Missus will have a Chicken Korma".
The wife of an old man dies. As the paramedics are trying to go down the old worn out stairs with the stretcher they both fall head over heels with the wife tumbling down after them. To everyone's amazement the wife gets up dusts herself and goes back in the apartment. Several years later the wife dies "again". As the paramedics start to leave the old man grabs one by the arm and says, " For the love of God don't drop her this time!"
An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around. 'Son number one - you shall be known as......' Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle' Son number one asks why. 'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.' The peace pipe is passed to son number two. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.' Son number two asks why. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.' The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three- you shall be known as Thrush.' Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?' 'Because my son you are an irritating kent - the elders agree'.
Returning after their Summer break , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to looks like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is ok now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. At the gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night--early birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring back food to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all of his life to earn his retardment and says that I should work hard too so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
Naan-aa, just killed a man Poppadom against his head Had lime pickle, now he’s dead. Naan-naa, dinner just begun But now I’m going to crap it all away. Naan-aa, ooh-ooh Didn’t mean to make you cry, Seen nothin’ yet just see the loo tomorrow, Curry on, Curry on, ‘cause nothing really madras. Too late, my dinner’s gone Sends shivers up my spine Rectum aching all the time. Goodbye every bhaji, I’ve got to go Gotta leave you all behind and use loo. Naa-na, ooh ooh, This Dopiaza’s mild, I Sometimes wish we’d never come here at all.... (Guitar solo) I see a little chicken tikka on the side, Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh pass the chutney made of mango. Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicey ME Biryani (Biryani) Biryani (Biryani) Biryani and a naan, (A vindaloo loo loooo..) I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me He’s eaten balti, get him to a lavatory Stand you well back Cause this loo is quarantined. Here it comes, There it goes, technicolor yawn. I chunder No It’s coming up again (There he goes) I chunder It’s coming up again (There he goes) It’s coming up again, (Up again) Coming up again (up again) Here it comes again (No no no no no non o no no No) On my knees, I’m on my knees, I’m on my knees Oh there he goes This vindaloo Is about to wreck my guts Poor me....Poor me...Poor me ! (Guitar solo) So you think you can chunder and still it’s alright ? So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night? Ohh maybe, now you’ll puke like a baby, Just had to come out, Just had to come right out in here.... (Guitar solo) Korma, saag or bhuna, Balti, naan, bhaji. Nothing makes a difference Nothing makes a difference to me (Anyway, my wind blows.)
A retiree walks into a nudist camp for sexually active people. Having a stroll about while smoking his pipe, he happens upon a very lovely sexagenarian and decides to bring her behind the bushes. When all is done he picks up his pipe and goes on his stroll. After a while he drops his pipe and upon bending down to fetch it a gay guy hops from behind a bush and does the job to our retiree. The retiree finally decides to leave and as he does so the owner of the Camp asks if he wants a season pass. "I don't think so. Not worth my while" the retiree replies. "How so?" the owner asks. "At my age I can only get a rise once or twice a week and I drop my pipe constantly..."