Golf Genie A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice – her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. The wife asked, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes – one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" To which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old" The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" " Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who made such a pigs ear of your hair.
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought ‘Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can’t run down this lawyer!’ and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn’t see anything. He turned to the priest and said ‘Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.’ The priest said ‘Don’t worry son, I got him with my door’
An Anglican, a Jew and a Mormon, all sports buffs, were talking family. "I got 4 children" says the Anglican. " 1 more and I would have a hockey team line up" "I got 10 children" the Jew replies as well. "1 more and I would have an american football team line up" "Well, I got married 17 times" chimes in the Mormon. " 1 more and I would have a golf course..."
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. “What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.” “It was,” sighed the Sister. “I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it,” snorted the Sister, “in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!” “Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !” “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!” “No, that wasn't it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!” “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother. “But I didn't, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!” “So that's when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile. “Nope, that wasn't it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!” Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the feckin' putt, didn't you?!"
Every year, Jim entered the state lottery hoping to win. He never did. One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck him as he was passing by Nadine's carnival booth. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks.He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign. He lost again.Sad. The winning number was 707. Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.
A man comes across a sizeable funeral procession. Two hearses followed by a man with his American Bully dog followed by dozens of men. Curiosity getting the better of him he walks up to the man with the dog asking what celebrity might have passed on. "Oh! It's nothing like that" the dog owner replies. "It's my wife and mother in law." "Really!?" the man says."My condolences, sir. May I ask how this tragedy came to be?" "My mother in law slapped me during an argument and my dog chewed her up. My wife tried to intervene but she got chewed up as well..." "But it's alright" the dog owner goes on. "My wife was leaving me and taking everything with her. So this solved the matter pretty much" Startled by this answer the man falls silent for an instant and then asks "Is that dog of yours for rent by any chance?" "Oh good grief!" exclaims the dog owner. "Just get in line with the others..."
This is the story of blonde trying for her pilots licence flying in a two-seater airplane with just the training pilot. Twenty minutes into the flight the pilot clutches his chest, has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead” and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me........Our Father who art in Heaven........."
Two idiots go out fishing to some remote lake by renting a seaplane. Flying over the lake the pilot declares there's not enough space to safely land. The idiots start complaining that they rented a plane last year and the pilot effectively landed. So the pilot circles the lake again and sticks to his earlier assessment that he cannot land. But the idiots keep insisting the other pilot landed so much so that he decides to try landing against his better judgement. There wasn't enough space and the plane crash lands in the neighboring woods. As the idiots were hanging from a tree branch one of them turns to the other and says, " Damn! Just like last year..."
A Wyoming Rancher The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't f-in' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order.
A missionary deep inside Africa falls upon a pride of lions. Knowing his last hour is at hand he falls to his knees and prays unto God saying, "Dear Lord, give those beasts some christian sentiments!" The lions look at themselves then raise their heads to the sky and say, "Thank you Lord for this meal you have blessed us with..."
Kid: So Dad, why did Mom lock you out? Dad: She heard me on the phone talking to Uncle Rob. Kid: What were you talking about? Dad: Running errands and then getting together. Kid: What errands? Dad: He was going to pick up a used car and I had to buy some paint remover. Kid: Why did Mom get upset about that? Dad: Because all she heard me say was, “You go get the Escort, I’ll pick up the stripper and we will meet at your house.”
In a tutorial a psychology professor showed his four students, one each from Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England, an empty glass. "Imagine this is life", he said. He took some pebbles from his pocket and filled the glass to the brim. "Now, is it full?" he said. "Yes," they replied, at which point he took a handful of gravel, which trickled round the pebbles and also came up to the top of glass. "Now is it full?" he said. "Yes," they said. So took a handful of sand and poured it onto the gravel and pebbles, and naturally a substantial amount trickled in until it reached the top of the glass. "So, what's your conclusion?" said the professor. "Well," said the English student, "obviously it's that it's the little things that really give you a full life. "Not at all," said the Welsh student. "If you'd put the sand in first there'd have been no room for the gravel or pebbles. So the lesson is you must achieve the big things in your life if you want a full life." "But, you've both missed the point," said the Scottish student. "You have to give every aspect of your life its due priority, whether it's big or little." "So what do you think?" said the professor to the Irish student, who reached into his pocket and produced a bottle of Guinness. He removed the top, and poured some into the glass, then drank the rest, and said "No matter how full you think your life is there's always room for a drop of Guinness."
I went to a pickup bar the other night. Brought back a very classy lady. When it came time for the serious business my pecker couldn't be bothered for a salute. "I'm terribly sorry" says I to the lady. " This never happened before." "Don't worry" the lady replied. " It used to happen to me sometimes..."