Doctors advice The 92-year old farmer came to the doctor to get his half-yearly test results. The doctor said, “Well, given your age, I think you are doing very well, indeed. Come back in 6 months for the next check-up. By the way, do you have any questions? The farmer answered, “No, Doc, but I have an announcement. I am getting married again!” The doctor said, “Well, congratulations! Do I know the bride? “No Doc,” the farmer answered, “but she is the most beautiful 24-year old you have ever seen. Oh, Oh”, thought the doctor, “the stupid old fool. Maybe I should give him a bit of a hint” and the doctor said, “Well, you are very busy on that farm of yours. Why don’t you hire a young and strong farm-hand to keep your wife company? ”“ Mmmmhhh”, said the farmer, “I think that is an excellent idea, doc! I will follow up on your suggestion. ”Six months later the farmer was back for his check-up and, as usual, all was fine given his age.“ Any questions?”, asked the doctor. “No, doc.” said the farmer, “But I have an announcement! My wife is pregnant!!!”“ Oh … Oh,” thought the doctor, “the old fool!” Trying to get some realism into the farmers mind the doctor asked:” And how is the farm hand? ”The farmer replied “Oh, she’s pregnant too.”
Two old ladies sitting in church. One leans over and whispers to the other "my butt is going to sleep." "The other replies, "I know I have heard it snore three times."
An old farmer, deaf as a doorknob, goes to a doctor for his first ever checkup accompanied by his wife. Having finished the doctor asks the old farmer for a sample of his urine and his stool. " I can't hear you!" the farmer shouts. " I need a sample of your urine and stool!" the doctor yells back. Exasperated the farmer looks to his wife and asks what the doctor wants. "He wants your underwear" was the reply.
What's the difference between a tornado and your divorced ex? None. They both took the house with them...
A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't had sex in over a year. I don't understand it." The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy." "What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man. The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in for you"
A man boarded the first-class section of a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Murphy diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible evil curse that goes with it." The man inquired, “What is the curse?” "That would be Mr. Murphy."
Ryan was being examined by old Doc Murphy, who, after a thorough examination said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness." "Shh!" cautioned Ryan. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly, the wife is sitting in the next room."
A man walks in a drugstore owned by a father and son. As it happens the both of them are accomplished pranksters. The man walks to the counter with some toothpaste when the father winks at his son and says: "I need to know what toothbrush you use sir before selling you toothpaste" "What the hell for!?" the man asks. 'You need to adequately pair them to be as beneficial as can be!" "Okay. I use an oral B" "Then you get to use some Crest" A few days later the same man walks in with a brown paper bag and asks the father to put his hand in it. Doing so he takes it out smeared with crap. "What's the meaning of this!?" the father yells. "Mind telling me what toilet paper I need for that?" the man replied.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?” “That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.” After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
After finishing university I decided to go back and visit my old redneck town way down south. Doing so I happen upon my (very) inbred neighbor. Me: Hey, Sam! Did you learn to count past 11 since you only have 10 fingers? Sam: Nope Me: Hey, Sam! Did your sister finally learn how to boil water? Sam: I reckon not. Me: Hey, Sam! Where's that brother of yours who always stared at the wall, drooling? Sam: Don't insult my brother! He's at Yale now! They came last year saying they absolutely needed him! Me: Yale!?! What the hell kind of work is he doing?! Sam: Oh! he's not working. He just sits in a jar in biology research...