The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of love making. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me.... " No problem!" he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of the forehead, his member grow until it is impressively long. "Well!" she says. "That's quite impressive, but its still pretty narrow..." "No, problem!" he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grow wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made passionate love. The next day they meet up with their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along Mike asks "Well? Was it any good?" "I hate to say it" says Maureen, " but It was pretty wonderful! How about you?" "It was horrible!" He replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?" "Do what?" asked Mick. "Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin, snowin, hailin... why would they torture themselves like that?" "Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick. "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros? "Yeah, I understand that," said Seamus, "but why do all the others do it?"
sick Tom wakes up feeling under the weather so he calls his boss to say he won’t be in.“Good morning sir,” he says. “I’m afraid I won’t becoming into the office today. I’m really sick with a stomach ache and headache, and all my joints are aching.“So, I’m going to stay at home and sleep it off.”“Oh no,” the boss replies. “You know Tom, I could really use you in the office today, we’ve got a lot of work to get through. You know… when I feel like this I go to my wife and ask her to sleep with me. That usually does the job. You should try that.”Two hours later Tom arrives at the office and says:“You were totally right boss. I followed your advice and now I feel much better.”“That’s great,” replied the boss.“Thanks for the tip!” Tom replies. “Oh and, by the way, nice house you’ve got there!”
How does a blind man know when to open his parachute? When the leash of his guide dog goes limp... A blind man walks in a convenience store and starts wacking away left right in between the aisles with his white cane. A store clerk runs up to him asking if he needed anything. "No." The blind man replies. "Just having a look..." And finally... Another blind man on his way to the brothel misses his street and winds up in front of the fish monger. "Ugh!!" The blind man grunts in disgust. "I aint touching none of you gals until you get a bath!!"
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in the water he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen. “Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him. “I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny "there’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!” “Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Sure, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!” “Well, Momma,” replied Johnny ”if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
The Lower O'Connell Street, Dublin Branch of the Bank of Ireland had been robbed three times in the last thirty days. Trying to prevent a fourth robbery, Gardaí Detective Murphy was interviewing bank teller Paddy O’Donnell and asked, “Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?” “Right,” Paddy replied, “I have noticed that each time the man comes into the bank, he’s much better dressed.”
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig’s tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy – it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn’t believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig’s tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again. “Mom’s weighing the mailman.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favourite of humans. The dog says “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.” The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
Paddy is walking home from his local pub when suddenly from out of nowhere a mugger jumped him. The thief and Paddy were battling it out, Paddy is giving as good as he is getting. However, Paddy made one wrong move and the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. When the thief went through Paddy’s pockets, all he could find on him was a few Euro coins. The thief was in disbelief and demanded to know why Paddy fought so hard for a few cents. “Was that all you wanted?” Paddy replied, “I thought ye were after the five hundred Euros I’ve got hidden in my shoe!”
WELL its only taken over 40 odd years of my life for somebody to finally notice how massively important I really am to this world. My dentist just asked me to come back next week for a crown!
A Scottish couple took in a 19-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. “Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.” So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?” “No,” replied the girl… “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?” “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department … very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.” “Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.” “I know,” he said, “But the bloody darts team hadn’t!”
She hurried to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, “I don't know how to use this.” She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?” He said, “Sure!” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears, said, “Thank-you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.” The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.” The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank-you God! You even sent me a professional!”