Three guys were sitting around in a bar discussing whose wife was the most frigid. Harry was definitely sure he had the worst of it. "Listen, you guys," he said, "my wife comes to bed with an ice cube in each hand, and in the morning they haven't begun to melt." "That's nothing," said Phil. "My wife likes to have a glass of water on the bedside table, but by the time she's carried it from the bathroom to the bedroom, it's frozen solid." "Aw, hell," said Herb, "my wife is so frigid that when she spreads her legs, the furnace kicks on."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The older man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practising for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man’s message was: “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”
A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him " Everytime I take my friends out in my car, there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I'm alone". The mechanic was puzzled, so he said " Ok so let's go for a spin and see what the problem is." Off they went. She droved down a one way street in the wrong direction at 60 mph, swerved, hit the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrian, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman. They returned to the shop and she said, " There it is now - there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?". The mechanic replied " smell it?, Lady, I'm sitting in it."
An energetic young man, overflowing with confidence walks in the office of a used car lot and announces to the owner that he's the Number 1 used car salesman. Business owner- Is that so! I give you one week to get rid of that scrapheap over there and if you do I hire you with a bonus! A week later, without selling the car, the young man walks back in the office head hanging low. Young Man- I'm sorry Sir but I was wrong. I'm not the Number 1 used car salesman. That would be the guy who sold you that junk!
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain . "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating 3-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents & a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time & time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive & would probably just lie there passively. He found Mabel & as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents & the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Mac began the amorous act & after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."
Two idiots are walking in the desert when they come across the wreck of a Jeep. One of them picks up a car door and keeps walking. "Why are you carrying a door?" the other asks. "If it gets too hot I'll roll down the window..."
A lady failed the written driving test four times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question, “You are driving at 70 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit?” The woman walked up to the Examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question all four ways: the wall, the cliff, the old man, and the young man. Yet I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?” “Your brakes!!!” replied the Examiner.
I got a gig to sing at an old folks home. When I finished my set I said to this elderly gentleman sitting next to me that I hoped he would get better. "You too!" he replied
I got another gig as a stand up comic at an Alzheimer's ward. Easiest job ever. Kept them laughing a whole hour with just 5 jokes. But there was a low point in the show. This front row guy kept trying to turn me off with his TV remote. I had to tell him that the tube in his arm was an IV and not cable!
The teacher said.. Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. "Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little s**t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Oh s**t, we are screwed."* Little Akio said quietly, *"All Americans, 2020, "when the government quarantined the healthy and shut down America over a measly virus."
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" he asked the priest. The priest said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no-one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'