My old neighbour was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
Life is all about ass! You are either: covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one.
Frank is sitting at the bar looking really down so the barman says "What's up Frank you don't normally look so down!!" Frank replies "My 5 year old son has got the 18 year old baby sitter pregnant!!" Barman says " What, surely that's impossible!!" Frank says "Nope, the little bugger put holes in my bloody condoms!!"
I was laying in a hospital bed and a hot female nurse came over, and told me to strip as it was time for my bed bath. As she washed me down, she got to washing my genitals she said "So what are you in for then ? I said "My Dad has just gone to theatre and I was having a lie down on his bed!
Do you know why almond milk is called milk? Because no one can call it nut juice and keep a straight face!
A farmer puts his newly purchased young rooster in his fenced chicken coop. The older rooster knowing he was going to be replaced proposes the young rooster a race to the end of the fence allowing him a head start since he wasn't in his prime anymore. The young rooster agrees and after the head start he runs after the old rooster. Just then the farmer runs out of his home shotgun at hand and blasts the young rooster into a ball of feathers! "What's the matter with this company!?" the farmer mutters. "It's the third time they've sold me a gay rooster!?!"
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what a happened. “Well, it was like this, ‘ said the man. “I was having a quite round of golf with my wife when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows has something white in its rear end.” I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it ... stuck right in the middle of the Cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.” ‘What did you do?” asks the doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like Yours!”
A man wakes up in post op after bowel removal surgery. He is greeted by a lovely smiling nurse whom after inquiring about his well being offers him some laxatives. Patient- What's that for? Nurse-That's to loosen your stools so you don't pop your sutures. But more importantly, the surgeon dropped his Vacheron Constantin wrist watch in there and he wants it back as soon as possible...
Last night I got drunk, so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and socks. The lot! I crept up very quietly and it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the bus.
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, after all the regulations and laws inquired about , your insurance company said you aren't covered.
A convent educated girl gave her answer to the mother superior when asked what career she wanted to follow. She said "Prostitute", whereupon mother superior fainted. She thought the girl wanted to be a protestant.
A farmer catches three guys who made an attempt on his daughters honor. He orders them at gun point to go in his vegetable garden and bring back a vegetable. The first comes back with a carrot and is ordered to stick it up his rear end. The second comes back with a turnip and is also ordered to do the same. As he's painfully trying to get the vegetable up his rump he start's laughing uncontrollably! Farmer- What are you laughing about!? It's supposed to be a punishment! Second guy- I'm sorry sir! It's just that I saw the third guy going to the pumpkin patch!