Dictionary for Mothers: Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it or licking it. Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. Verbal: Able to whine in words Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house. Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Two idiots are fishing on a lake in Alaska during the Summer. A water skier nearby decides to make a few close passes to splash the idiots. Coming back for another shot one of the idiots gets up and swings an oar in the skiers face who promptly sinks to the bottom of the lake. The two idiots jump in the lake and after a few minutes manage to find the guy and hoist him up in the boat. One of the idiots starts giving mouth to mouth resuscitation and after a while he says: Idiot 1- Ugh! I can't believe how bad this guys breath is! It stinks to high heaven!! Idiot 2- Hey! Wasn't he wearing skis? Why is he wearing ice skates now!?
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.” The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?” “Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.” One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.” The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?” “Didn’t feel a thing!”
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow. "Wow" said the Presenter "This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated John's Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last Century" "Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?"..... said Paddy
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.” “Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.” Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn.” The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a wanker!" “Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.” Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really bug him, you just watch.” The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" “Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.”
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples." "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied. "That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind." She said, "OK." "First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, "We're called the Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."
A Billionaire had a son who could predict the future. One day the son announces that his father would die tomorrow at noon. The next day the Billionaire is sitting on the couch with his wife waiting for the fatal hour. As noon came they heard a noise outside the front door. Upon opening it they found the mailman who had slipped,fell and broke his neck...
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. “Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?” “Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.” “That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?” “I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.” “Sensible” says Jeff. “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.” “And what happened then?” (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) “I kicked her in the face.”