A Mafioso walks into a mafia owned bar in Sicily and proceeds to pull out his .38 special and puts it on the forehead of the first customer sitting at the counter. Mafioso - What's 2+2=? First customer - 5! Mafioso ( to the second customer) - What's 2+2=? Second customer - 7! Mafioso (to the third customer) -What's 2+2=? Third customer - 4! With this answer the 3rd customer gets shot in the head! Bartender - Why did you do that for!? Mafioso - Isn't it obvious? He knew to much!!
The son of a Mafioso asks his dad for a rifle for his upcoming birthday. Upon being told "No" he goes to his room, kneels in front of the Cross and starts praying: Son - Dear Lord. May I have a rifle for my birthday, please? The son goes back to his dad pestering him for a rifle. The father swiftly applies a spanking to his son for this and sends him to his room. Once in his room the son grabs a statue of the Virgin Mary and hides it in his closet. He once again kneels in front of the Cross and says something like this: Son - Listen up, Man! If I don't get my rifle you don't get to see your Mom no more!
Ever hear about that old sailor from the Netherlands who went mad working on a whaling ship? He used to be seen around Amsterdam's Red Light district shouting: " There she blows!"
Red Riding Hood strolls through the forest when she hears a noise. She finds the wolf crouching behind a bush. She goes 'My, Wolf, what big eyes you have.' And the Wolf goes 'For Christ's sake, you can't take a quiet s**t around here.'
Paddy pulls up at the lights next to a lovely young blonde bird, he smiles and lowers his window. She smiles back and lowers her window, so Paddy leans across and says.... "Have you just farted as well?
A man has a car accident and is taken to hospital Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news? "The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." ".Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection , I also get a headache."
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.” “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’ “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?” The old lady replies with a grin, “Well, not everybody pays.”
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde shouts . . . "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap!"
Top 10 Politically Correct Statements: 10.) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. 9.) He is not quiet; he is a Controverisal Minimalist. 8.) He does not get lost all the time; he Discovers Alternative Destinations. 7.) He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression. 6.) He does not get 'falling down drunk'; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal. 5.) He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact. 4.) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction. 3.) He does not eat like a pig, he suffers from Reverse Bulimia. 2.) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is Overly Caucasian. 1.) He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
Three engineers from America, Germany, and Japan are playing golf. A phone rings and the German engineer puts his pinky to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and starts having a business conversation. German-Sorry about that. I have a prototype phone implanted in my hand. Makes it hands free! Later on another phone rings. The Japanese cocks his head to his right shoulder and also has a business conversation. Japanese-I also have a prototype phone implanted in my shoulder. Now, that's really hands free! Not willing to be outdone the American engineer goes to the bathroom and comes back out with some toilet paper hanging from the back of his pants. Both the German and Japanese engineers point this out. To which the American replies: American- That's not toilet paper. I'm receiving a fax...
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
Antiques Roadshow .... "So can you tell me how you acquired such a rare 18th century carriage clock?" "I used to do odd jobs for an old lady who used to live next door to me and when she died I nicked it." "CUT"
Paddy phoned Ryanair to book a flight. The operator asked him how many people would be flying with him. Paddy said 'I don't know, it's your feckin plane'
An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."