SATIRE: ANOTHER MODEST PROPOSAL... VOTE FOR ME ! I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! I AM THAT GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL FUN MADE GUY ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU CRY ! I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME, I WILL MAKE GREAT FUN FOR YOU AGAIN ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! I AM A DRUG CRAZED BABY KILLER, PEDOPHILE, CANNIBAL... VOTE FOR ME; I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME; EVERYBODY LOVES ME ! I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME; VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I AM THE GREATEST; VOTE FOR ME ! I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME, I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME ! I AM YOUR EVIL, GREEDY, NARCISSISTIC NAZI-FASCIST MAFIOSO ! I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! VOTE FOR ME ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I AM YOUR KING WHO IS KING OF ALL KINGS ! VOTE FOR ME; I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! I AM SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER ! VOTE FOR ME ! I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! I AM THE MILITARY, INDUSTRIAL, FINANCIAL BANKING COMPLEX... I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME! I WILL MAKE THE WORLD FUN AND SAFE AGAIN ! I AM THE CRISIS... VOTE FOR ME; YOU NEED ME. I HAVE ONLY ONE BURNING DESIRE: LET ME STAND NEXT TO YOUR FIRE ! I'LL BRING THE THERMITE AND, I'LL BRING THE BARBECUE SAUCE ! I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! I LOVE YOU I AM THE FUN MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN ! LOVE ME ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! I AM YOUR AMBIVALENT LOVER ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! LET'S MAKE LOVE FUN AND GREAT AGAIN ! I LOVE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! VOTE FOR ME ! I'LL MAKE YOU ! I LOVE YOU ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! YOU LOVE ME AND I LOVE YOU ! VOTE ME, ME, ME ! YOU LOVE ME; I LOVE YOU; YOU LOVE ME, ME, ME... YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME, YOU LOVE ME ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! I AM SO PRETTY: YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! VOTE FOR ME ! LET'S MAKE ME, ME, ME GREAT AGAIN; I AM YOUR HIGH STRUNG, HIGH MAINTENANCE, NARCISSISTIC, PSYCO-WITCH; MAKE ME YOUR BITCH ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! BAD IS GOOD AND GOOD IS BAD; BLACK IS WHITE AND WHITE IS BLACK... YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! VOTE FOR ME ! REMEMBER I LOVE YOU ! YOU LOVE ME ! IT'S REALLY YOU I LOVE; I AM YOUR GOD ABOVE; WORSHIP ME ! LOVE ME ! I AM THE KEY ! VOTE FOR ME ! YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME ! I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME ! YOU LOVE ME ! NOTE: TAKEN IN PART FROM THE BOOK "RAVINGS OF A MAD MAN". COPYRIGHT AND ALL RIGHTS RESERVED AS HE LOVES YOU AND HE'S WHAT YOU DESERVE! SO DON'T BE ALARMED AND DON'T FEEL SAD OR BAD IF THE END OF YOUR WORLD SEEMS CLOSE AT HAND; FOR, HE'S NOT TO BLAME AND HE'S CERTAINLY NOT MAD, FOR YOU SEE OF COURSE, HE'S ONLY A MAN... WHO CAN PUT THESE WORDS INTO SONG... AS HE MAY BE VERY, VERY WRONG...
After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 200 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying, "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French." A few weeks later, The Irish Archaeological Society reported that after Murphy had dug down to a level of 3 feet he had found absolutely f**k all. Murphy therefore concluded that 250 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.
Martha's husband was cremated when he passed. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, insurance money!" Finally, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!!"
A director of a teaching institution for the mentally challenged decides to take a class of students on a plane ride. During the flight the class starts acting up, jumping all around and rocking the airplane to the point that the pilots warns the director to make them stop. Once tranquility has been restored the pilot asks the returning director in his cockpit how he calmed things down so fast. Director- Oh! I just did the same when they do this in class. I sent them to play outside...
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take Care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman. 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said.... (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS) "What's a headache?"
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to the heckler in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The man stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to him, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
An old half-deaf husband is watching TV with his wife. They are watching the DYI network on home repair. Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the p0rn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, “Oh for god’s sake bob just leave it on the p0rn…you already know how to hang a shelf”.
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble. The doctor hopes you get sick. The police hope you become a criminal. The teacher hopes you are born silly. The landlord hopes you don't buy a house. The prostitute hopes you don't get married. The dentist hopes your teeth decay. The mechanic hopes your car breaks down. The coffin maker hopes you die. Only the thief wishes you prosperity in life.
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen."
A woman stands in front of a judge for murdering her three husbands. Judge - According to the police report you poisoned your first husband? Woman- Yes, your Honor. I picked some poisonous mushrooms in the forest and fed him those. Judge- Now, still according to the police report you poisoned your second husband? Woman- True, your Honor. Poisonous mushrooms, like the first. Judge- The report also states that you killed your third husband by bashing his head in with a hammer! Why the change!? Woman- He didn't like mushrooms...