Two teenagers are in front of a juvenile court judge for marijuana possession. The judge decides to give them a break by sending them home for 7 days to try and convince as many people as they can of the dangers of drugs. 7 days later, back in court, the judge asks the first Teen how he fared. 1 Teen- I convinced 7 people your Honor! Judge- That's good! How did you do it? 1 Teen- I drew a big and a small circle and explained that the big circle was your brain before drugs! Pleased, the judge then asks the second Teen how it went. 2 Teen- I convinced a few dozen people you Honor. Judge- Dozens!? How did you manage that?! 2 Teen- I used the same circle trick my friend did. Except that I pointed out that the small circle was your a**hole before going to jail!
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day!
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, . . . you're a virgin." The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin". At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight ass."
A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?" "Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular! " the man replies. "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the feckin Clarinet." "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the feckin Clarinet. "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' ...and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the feckin Clarinet!"
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb, it's me, Rose." "You're not Rose. Rose just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?" "In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Barb. "The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday."
Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?" The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?
Joe meets up with Fred. Joe- Hey! What's with the black eyes? Fred- This lady at a festival sitting in front of me was wearing a skirt that was stuck in her butt crack. She kept wiggling her bum. It seemed uncomfortable so I pinched the skirt and pulled it out. She immediately spun around and clocked me one! Joe- What about the other shiner? Fred- Well, since she didn't appreciate the gesture I simply stuck it back in!
One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?' The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..' The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'
Bill was cruising down a country road on his motorbike when a deer darted out in front of him. He swerved, lost control, and ended up in a ditch. Luckily, he wasn’t badly hurt—just a little dazed. A shiny BMW pulled up alongside, and out stepped an absolutely stunning woman. “Are you OK?” she asked. Bill rubbed his head. “I banged it a bit, but I think I’m fine.” “Don’t be silly,” she said. “Jump in my car—I’m a nurse. I’ll patch you up, and you can warm up at my place just a couple miles away.” Bill hesitated. “That’s really kind, but my wife wouldn’t be happy if I went home with a strange woman.” The nurse smiled. “Nonsense! You could have a serious injury. I insist.” So, Bill gave in, climbed into the BMW, and off they went. At her house, she cleaned his wound, bandaged him up, and even offered him a cold beer. “I really shouldn’t,” said Bill. “My wife won’t like it.” “Don’t be daft,” she laughed. “You’ve had a shock. A beer will calm you down.” So Bill had the beer. Then she offered him another. He shook his head. “Honestly, I'd better not. My wife REALLY won’t like it.” Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Why do you keep worrying about your wife? Where is she, anyway?” Bill took a sip of his beer, shrugged, and said: “As far as I know… she’s still in the ditch.”
10 Reasons to go to work naked Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. "I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. You want to see if it’s like the dream. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. No one steals your chair.
Paddy says to Mick 'How did you get on at that Faith Healing group last night?' Mick says 'It was absolutely s**te. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out'
There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl... The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile... Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"... "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"... He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them." He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work... He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going... They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet... Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"... He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"... He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...? She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"...