3 girls on a plane thats going to crash, the American puts on her makeup, "rescuers will save a beutiful girl first!" she said. French girl opens her bra, "rescuers will save a girl with beutiful breasts!" she said. the African removes her knikers and says, "f#@k off they allways look for the black box first!" hahaha thats one i got from my mother in law. had me in bits.
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
A woman walks into the Elizabeth Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids . . .. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?' 'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch 'I call them by their surnames!'
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder. Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?" The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The boy said, "You got a deal." The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos) Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Maori. "Watch and learn bro, " answers an Aussie ... When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, So he goes to the doctors. “That’s serious” says the doctor. “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?” “Yes” says the man seriously. “Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."