A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my vow of celibacy.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the s**t out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
Girl Misses her Period An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, two retail stores, a townhouse, and a $1-millon bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, a beach house and a $2-millon bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $1-millon each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..." The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." Trembling, she asks, "All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here? "Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both." "An- an- and do- do you know much about them?" The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, "Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have." To which she replies, "Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!"
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she s**ts on you!"
"Father, I have two female parrots rescued from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they ever say is: 'Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaims the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your parrots over to my house, and I will put them in with two male parrots whom I have taught to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase." The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine: "Hi, wanna have some some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other male parrot and said: "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered."
My friend called me today and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?" "I'm afraid not," I replied, "but I've got a sofa, if that's any good." "Perfect," he said. "You're an absolute legend! I'll send her over in a bit."
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" " Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD , or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass . Yet a deer excretes little pellets , while a cow turns out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD , or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don't know s**t ?" And then she went back to reading her book.
My girlfriend told me to see things from a woman's point of view, so i looked out of the kitchen window.
Two 5 yr old twins, a boy and a girl, were taking their bath together. The sister notices her brothers appendage and asks what it is. "Daddy told me it's called a penis and that only boys get them!" replies her brother. Crying, the little girl tells her mother what her brother said. "Oh! Don't be sad sweetie pie!" her mother says. "Mommy will tell you a secret. If you're a nice girl, you'll get one when you're grown up." "If you're a bad girl, you'll get many!"
With all the new fertility technology, a 66-year-old woman was recently able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother, who decided to have a little of her own fun with the relatives. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After a few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When it cries!" she told them. "When it cries??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?" "Because I forgot where I put it..."