Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him through, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown." The little guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'"
Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?” “Yes. Speaking.” AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!” “How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman. “Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy. “What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?” “Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.” “GOD! This is too much.” “Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.” “I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.” That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts. “Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.” “PAY you? And if I refuse?” “Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.” “And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks. “I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle."
HOW TO TELL BOYS AND GIRLS APART (According to a 5-year-old.) One chilly afternoon in November, I picked up my kindergartener from school. She climbed into the back seat, bursting with excitement. “We learned how to tell boys and girls apart today!” she announced proudly. Trying not to panic, I glanced in the mirror. “Oh really?” I said, bracing myself. “Yup,” she said confidently. “Boys have a thing, and girls don’t.” My hands tightened on the wheel. “Well... I mean… that’s... technically true,” I muttered, already regretting asking. “And girls know boys are boys because of that thing,” she continued. “It kinda hangs down and moves when they walk.” I suddenly wished we lived closer to school. Then she said, “And when a boy sees a girl, he puffs up! Just like that!” I blinked. “He… what now?” “He puffs up! And that’s how the girl knows he likes her,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Then they get married… and then they get cooked.” Cooked??? I was speechless. Not that I could’ve formed a sentence anyway. But once we got home, she pulled a piece of paper from her backpack. “I drew a picture of it!” Curious—and a little afraid—I looked. And there it was: a big, proud, crayon-colored TOM TURKEY, all puffed up with feathers fanned and that famous red snood dangling over his beak like a badge of honor. I laughed so hard I had to sit down. She was slightly offended until I told her I loved it—and I truly did. And while that was the end of it for her… I’ve never looked at turkeys, or men, quite the same way since.
My poncy neighbour thinks he's cool with his new clap-activated lights. I'm gonna have the last laugh though...I've taught his kids 'If you're happy and you know it'......
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand, Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria." In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer(or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s**t. VERIFICATION: BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION. THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . . . There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
Lamentation for a pay toilet (actual graffiti from my high school days ) Here I sit, brokenhearted. Payed a dime and only farted. Next day I took my chance, saved my dime and shat in my pants...
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
A Irishman was walking through a field and sees a man drinking from a pool of water with his hand. He shouts "Ná ól an t-uisce, tá sé lán de chac bó" (don’t drink the water it's full of cows**t). The man shouts back "I’m English mate, speak English, I don’t understand you" The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands you’ll get more in"
A guy tells his buddy, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”