John was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop & sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For 15 dollars, I can read your love line & tell your romantic future." John readily agreed & took a seat at the palm reader's table. "I can see that you currently have no girlfriend." she said. "That's true," said John. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," John shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses."
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this s**t but me."
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
My granddad ran the London marathon this year at 81 years old, and said, "son, if I can do this, you can do anything!" So I put him in an old peoples home and sold all his belongings.
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil. Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small shoe shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' Th Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'Stop, stop you got dem on de wrong feet'
A nun is taking a bath when the doorbell rings. She quickly rushes naked to the door and asks who it is. "It's the blind man" "Oh,okay! You can come in" "Nice tits! Where do you want the blinds?"
Wouild you believe it? Free health care.. A man suffered a serious heart attack while grocery shopping. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he had been taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment."Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!" The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too!" Then the redneck opened his lunch and said "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!" The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much". Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch".
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito. He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light." A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
To survive in the taiga, you must sew a bell to your clothing. Its ringing scares away bears. It's also best to avoid bear trails; they can be identified by the presence of bear droppings. It's easy to tell that it's bear droppings; there's usually a bell sticking out of them.
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s Disease or Alzheimer's Disease?" The Irishman answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"
After seeing an item on the One Show where stars go back to the home they once lived. I went by the house where I grew up and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face... My parents can be so rude!