3 moles were walking down a small tunnel. The first said "I smell sugar". The second said "I smell honey". The third said “I smell molasses.”
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher scolded little Timmy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is... my Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Russell had been teaching for over 30 years, but against her better judgment, she asked what he meant. With a big grin, Timmy said, "Well, I ain't gonna tell ya why Mama was naked, but she was smilin' real big. See, out on our farm, we've got this sneaky fox that's been eatin' our hens. Six of 'em, gone! Last night, Daddy heard a noise in the chicken pen. He grabbed his double-barrel shotgun and told Mama, 'That fox is back-I'm gonna git him!' He whispered for all us kids to stay back. Now Daddy was naked as a jaybird-no boots, no pants, no shirt! He crawled to the henhouse like an Injun on the snoop, stuck that shotgun through the coop window, and stared into the dark. But our old hound dog, Rip, woke up and snuck up behind him. And before anyone could stop him... Rip stuck his cold nose right in Daddy's crack! Miss Russell... we been pluckin' chickens since 3 o'clock this mornin'!"
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."
Paddy asks Murphy “what’s that gong for you have hanging on the wall?” “That’s my speaking clock” replies Murphy. “How does that work?” asks Paddy. Murphy opens a drawer and gets out a hammer and thumps the gong, and a voice replies…”for God’s sake not again – its 2 o clock in the feckin morning !!!
A child come home from school and says 'I learned a new joke at school today' Dad says 'Ok, let's hear it' The child asks 'What goes in hard but comes out soft?' Dad sat for a few moments and then said 'Is it a - ' Before he could finish his wife comes running in from another shouting 'SPAGHETTI, it's SPAGHETTI'
Mary and Paddy had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was Paddy's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake Mary and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where paddy was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard Paddy waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. Mary could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, paddy came downstairs in his badly stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, 'Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'. 'What do you mean?' asked Mary. Paddy replied 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god with some pushing and shoving I think i got most of them back in again!!"
A priest can't make his 11 am confessions duty so he hands over a list of penances for the sins to his deacon and goes out. A man comes in and confesses to sleeping with a girl he met at a bar. The deacon looks for fornication on the list and gives the proper penances. Another man walks in and confesses to sleeping with his neighbors wife. The deacon looks for adultery and also gives the proper penances. A woman walks in and confesses to giving blow jobs. The deacon consults the list and finds nothing that's remotely synonymous with a blow job! So he opens the confessional door just as a choir boy was walking by. "Hey, kid!" the deacon says. "What does the priest give for a blow job!?" "A Pepsi and a chocolate bar" the kid replied.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
Two telecom technicians are in the Nevada desert fixing a phone line. While one is up the pole the other relieves himself on a bush when a viper pops out and bites him straight on the knob. Yelling to his friend on the pole about his predicament, the friend calls a hospital and asks for advice. He is informed that he's going to have to suck the wound to remove as much poison as possible or death will occur. Growing impatient, the technician yells to his friend; "What are they saying!?!" "They say you gonna die!" was the reply.
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender. A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. " I'm sorry, St Peter said; " But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals." "That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?" " Just three questions" said St Peter. " Which are?" asked the Blonde. " The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" The second is " How many seconds are there in a year ?" The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" " Now," said St Peter, " Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me." So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought ( I expect you --- the reader to do the same ). The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, " I have." 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. " Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions" St Peter went on, " how many seconds in a year ?" The Blonde replied, " Twelve !" " Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, " How did you arrive at that figure ?" " Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds." St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, " I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision & the context in which it was given." And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. " I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?" The blonde replied: " Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer." " Really !" exclaimed St Peter, " And what is the answer ?" " It's Andy." " Andy ??" " Yes, Andy," said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?" " Easy " said the Blonde, " Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled." And the Blonde entered Heaven...and ...............you're singing it now, aren't you ??? ..........