Two idiots were having a beer on the front porch when a truck goes by filled with green rolls of turf. The first idiot says to the other: " If I had money I would also have my lawn mowed elsewhere..."
Two old stockmen are sitting on the veranda of their outback town’s pub having a beer when they get to talking about the merits of their cattle dogs - and which was the better, more intelligent, dog. They decide to settle the matter. The younger drover, Bluey (so named because of his red hair), says to his mate, “Watch this”. He then addresses his dog, “Jack, I’m hungry !” Jack looks at his master briefly and then takes off. Out into the street he runs, turns right and lopes down to Mrs Jones house, into her back yard and wriggles under the chook-house fence. Jack carefully takes a hen’s egg in his mouth and heads off. Arriving back at the pub, Jack gathers some wood, a billy and some water, he lights a fire and boils the egg exactly for 2 minutes for his master. Jack takes the egg out of the water and lays it at his masters feet. “What d’ya reckon about that ?” says the proud dog-owner, Bluey. “Not bad”, drawls his older mate, Bruce, as he sips his beer. He turns to his dog and says softly, “Sam, I need something to eat too”. His dog immediately runs off down the street. About 5 minutes later he is back, also carefully carrying a hen’s egg. He, too, gathers wood, boils the billy and produces a perfect two-minute cooked egg which he lays at Bruce’s feet…….and then he stands on his head. “Perfect”, says Bluey, “Exactly the same as my dog…….. but why is he standing on his head ?” “Oh”, says the older man, “He knows I don’t have an egg cup !”
I'm not saying my parents were tight growing up, but every December we became Jehovah's Witnesses for a month.
Due to freezing conditions in the UK, the men's British Naturist Society has seen the size of their members shrink dramatically.
What's the definition of ambivalence? Watching your mother in law go off a cliff. But while driving your new Mercedes-Benz S-Class Sedan...
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?" "Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again." "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a politician," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be -- but nothing ever happened."
Two horses in a pub, one turns to the other and says, "ere that horse over there's a looker, did you ask her out?" "Yeah I did" said his mate "but she just blushed". "Oh well, never mind" he huffed "must be one of them shyer horses".
A kid rushes out of the house to his mother yelling: " Fire! Fire! Fire!" "Hush!!" his mother hisses. "You'll wake up your dad..."
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' "We can't drive.'" "Then why did you buy it?" 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting."
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."
I went to the doctor today and asked what he could recommend for headaches and depression. He said marriage.
Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" he asked. His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, ...."God sent you." "And did God send YOU, too Mommy?", asked Johnny. "Yes, Johnny, He did.", she replied. "And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?" Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did." Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me no one in this family has gotten laid for 200 years?!?!? Well...that explains why everyone is so damn cranky !"
A company posted a sign outside their office: **Job Vacancy – Apply Within** *Requirements:* 1. Type at least 80 words per minute. 2. Be proficient with computers. 3. Be bilingual. Weeks passed with no applicants, until a dog strolled in, pointed to the sign, and wagged its tail eagerly. The manager, baffled, said, “I admire your enthusiasm, but you’re not qualified. You need to type 80 words per minute, and, well… paws aren’t great for typing.” Without hesitation, the dog jumped onto a stool, typed over 100 words in under a minute, and hopped back down. Stunned, the manager stammered, “Impressive, but you also need to be good with computers.” The dog grabbed a keyboard, hacked into the building’s system, and shut down every security camera with ease. Flabbergasted, the manager muttered, “Alright, but the final requirement is being bilingual.” The dog stared him down, then confidently replied, “Meow.”
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped with my back pack."
"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy, Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company and a fireball in the bedroom." Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again ran into Joe. "How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked. "Fine and dandy, Joe. I did get myself hitched." "Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me ?" "Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company, but she's an economist in the bedroom."