Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The old farmer from Ohio started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Buckeye replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin. Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her. Afterwards, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
I'm 71! I have so many unanswered questions!!!! I still haven't found out Who Let The Dogs Out...Where's the Beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same......why eggs are packaged in flimsy styrofoam or paper cartons, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails...why some men shave while driving.. why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... "abv" why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in"but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret?? why does Hawaii have interstate Highways?...why we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? For Pete's sake why is there Brail on drive-thru ATMs? Do you really think I am this witty?? I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man... Now it is your turn to take it from me..
A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?" Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - - andI tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...and it *hurt*!" "Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind." Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a blood curdling scream. "Sh!t!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?" "No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
We received about 4 inches of snow yesterday and this has become the world we live in now. 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere. 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:22 - The transgender man.. woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures. 8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive. 8:37 - Then I was accused of using a black face on the snowperson. 8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered. 8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested. 9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media. 10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman.
Ol' Doc McTavish had a slow schedule, and a hankering to go golfing. But by the time he decided to go, his office assistant, Seamus, had already booked three appointments, right in the middle of the day. Doc McTavish came up with a plan. "Seamus," he said, "I can't cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients." "Yes, sir!" the always obedient Seamus replied. The doctor has a great round of golf, and then rushes back to the office to see how things went. "How did things go?" the anxious medic asks his assistant. "The first patient had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus. "Excellent! You're good at this! And what about the third one?" he asks. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a beautiful young woman burst through. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, and she lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Fierce, Seamus!" said the astounded doctor. "What did ye do? for that one?" "I gave her eye drops!"
A man comes back from Asia with an STD. The doctor he goes to is horrified at what he sees. A mass of multicolored puss drooling flesh. The doctor says he doesn't know what it is and it has to come off. The man replies it's out of the question and goes to see another doctor only to get the same reaction! He decides to go see a Chinese doctor since he got this somewhere in Asia. Upon seeing the problem the Chinese doctor says it's called Asian syphilis. The man is instantly relieved and tells the doctor that two of his western colleagues wanted to chop it off. "Hah, hah, hah" laughs the doctor. "You western doctors are always to quick to operate!' "There's no need for an operation. It will fall off of it's own..."
Englishman Irishman and Scotsman kidnapped by cannibals. The chief said to the Englishman " Where you from?" He replied London. " The chief said put him in the pot." Asked the Scotsmen where he was from , He said " Glasgow " The chief said " throw him in the pot." Asked Paddy where he was from , Paddy replied "Dublin." The chief said let him go . Another cannibal asked him why he was letting him go , The Chief said " Well the last Irishman we had here we chucked him in the pot and he ate all of the potatoes "
Remember back in the day you used to get yer big issue sellers basically anywhere punting the big issues. You would buy it, ye would never read it cos it was full of arty farty poncey, noncey bulls**t but you would pay the money. To help the geezer oot. Well, last night I strolled out of Saint Luke's & The Winged Ox in Glasgow and encountered a guy with a great big bag… he was punting Glasgow’s finest reading material The Digger for A POUND!!! £1!!! Cheap at half the f**kin’ price! The guys aim was a takeaway from the indian along the road. Well, he hit my soft spot didn’t he? Takeaway ye say? £1 ye say? There ye go ma boy have £1.80! Flash bastard that I am. Buzzin for the wee guy to get a curry I was pure rooting for him. Anyway, I get on with ma life, get hame, empty my pockets ‘aw, there’s the digger, will gie that a read… only to find it’s fae f**kin’ FEB 2024! YOUUUI SCAMMIN’ BASTARD! To be honest, in hindsight NOTHING about the guy said honest upstanding member of the community but I loved how smashed and cock eyed he was while still carrying on likea trooper with his work. I canny hate him it was an admirable scam. I hope he got his curry but I hope it gies him the s**ts!
Three friends die in a car accident and when they get to the Pearly Gates, St Peter calls over two hags as their companions for a thousand years because two of the friends “did some bad things” For the third friend, he’s hooked up witn a supermodel. The other two friends object - Hey, he was a lot worse than us! St Peter said, But that woman “did some bad things”…
The prostitutes tax return A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns. The accountant says, "Well, before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address etc and then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer." The accountant asks, "Excuse my ignorance but what does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, believe it or not, I must have raised a thousand cocks last year." "Poultry Farmer it is then !!