Three friends die in a car accident and when they get to the Pearly Gates, St Peter calls over two hags as their companions for a thousand years because two of the friends “did some bad things” For the third friend, he’s hooked up witn a supermodel. The other two friends object - Hey, he was a lot worse than us! St Peter said, But that woman “did some bad things”…
Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it. So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Please be careful everyone, I went out for a few drinks after work got carried away so I left the car at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough just up the road the police were pulling over cars and breathalyzing them. They just waved me past being in a taxi which is strange because I've never driven one before or got a fooking clue where I got it from !
A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." "What have you done?" Asked the priest. "A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her." The man stopped talking but kept weeping. "Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven." Said the priest. "But it doesn't end there." The man kept sobbing. "A few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady." The man cried. "Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven." Said the priest. "Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead." Cried the man. "Yesterday I went to the barber. I was her last client that day. As soon as she finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with her. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with her as well." The man cried. "Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought." Said the priest. “So what should I do father?” The man asked. .Well." Answered the priest. "You should get the feck out of here before it starts raining!"
Holiday Fruit cake recipe... You'll need the following: 1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 1 cup of nuts 1 bottle of whiskey. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who likes fruitcake anyway!
Walking into the bar, I said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the wife." "Oh yeah," he said. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? he asked. "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless fecker!!
Four blondes walk in a bar one fine afternoon and ask the waiter to fill up their table with beers because they were celebrating. After doing so the waiter politely asks what the celebration is about. "We just finished our jigsaw puzzle!" replies one of the blondes. "It said 8 year+ but we finished it in 2!"
A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was because she was so upset. The husband, in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" His wife said, crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it so come and get me when you’re done shopping."
Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song!
Paddy goes into a Photo Shop with two photographs, one of his family and one of his old uncle Jack. He says to the Graphic designer....... "We Never got a photo of the whole family with old Uncle Jack in it. Can You put this Photo of Jack into my family photo?" "No Problem says the designer I can Photo shop it in......." "And can you take his hat off " Says Paddy..." I Never liked it" "Sure, No problem. But tell me what color hair did he have ?"... Paddy Replies " Sure won't you see that when you take is hat off!!
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
A preacher goes to the dentist for a set of dentures. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he could only talk in the pulpit for five minutes. The second Sunday, his sermon lasted for ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talked for an hour and 30 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than five minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put in his wife's teeth by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
Mary had a little watch, She swallowed it one day. The doctor gave her Epsom salts to pass the time away. The Epsom salts refused to work, the time refused to pass. So if you want to know the time, just look up Mary's ass.
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle." "What else do you have?" "I have also invented a folding carton." Again she said "What do you call it?" "A Farton." She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.