It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2 times as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.
A young man announces to his father that after a 1 year relationship with his girl friend he's ready to get married. "I want you to apologize" the father suddenly says. "What for?" asks the son. "Never you mind, mister! And just apologize!" continues the father. "But how can I apologize if I don't know what I've done wrong?" pleads the son. "Don't give me your lip! This isn't an argument. Apologize already!" yells his father. "Oh, alright!" the son cries out. "I'm sorry! I apologize! Forgive me!" The father proudly looks at his son and says, "Now I know you're ready to get married!" "How's that!?" the relieved son asks. "If you can apologize without knowing why you're definitely ready to get married!"
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
I decided to go on a retreat at a lodge called The Old Log Inn deep in some mountainous forest. Getting lost I happen on a nudist camp and decided to go in to ask for directions. Just as I walk past the gates there happens to be a young couple peacefully making love behind some bushes without a care to my presence. So I say matter-of-factly "Hey! Can you two tell me how far is The Old Log Inn?" "About half way in I'd say" replies the young lady with a smile...
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.
Four nuns are involved in a car crash and end up in front of the gates to Paradise where St Peter is standing. He asks the first nun if she did anything reprehensible. Blushing she replies she j**ked off a man. St Peter tells her to dip her hand in the pool of Holy Water and go on in. The second nun approaches and is asked the same question by St Peter. The nun shamefully admits to also j**king off a man and also fiddle with his balls. St Peter tells her to go dip both her hands in the pool and to go on in. As the third nun starts to go to St Peter the fourth nun pushes her aside and says "Hey, Peter! Can I go rinse my mouth before she goes and dips her ass!?"
Found the perfect apartment. It's located between two daycares in Minnesota. I hate being around kids.
A Veteran driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait..... The cop pulled him over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' The Veteran replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' he responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' And just what does a rectum stretcher do? 'Well,' he said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in. And then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a feckin’ bridge!' replied the Veteran
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady immediately started taking off her clothes..... Doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave" asked the landlord, "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth" "It's my four year old son" the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically. "I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant." "Get away," gasped the landlord, "that's impossible!" "It's not!" said the man, "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms."