One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it right got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct. Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession, I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month. The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven, go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' A new woman in the neighborhood the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply... No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.
A woman visited a psychic many of her friends recommended. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I get away with it?
My wife had her credit cards stolen the other day. I didn't report it to the police. The thief spends much less than she does!
Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" his buds asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of crushed nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it. There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
Two blokes living in outback Australia saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage. They applied and were flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty. She says: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen”. After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you do not have nobbly knees, so I need to see your knees as well”. Once she has seen their knees she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape so I just need to see your testimonials”. Five years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other “I reckon if we had just had a bit more education, we could have got that job”.
Three women go to lunch. One says "I just read how to excite your spouse. Meet him at the door when he comes home, with only a black bra on, high heels, and, a mask" They all decide to try it and tell each other what happened next time at lunch. Next week they meet up and the first woman, who is not married said "I met my boyfriend at the door like we said, and he grabbed me and we went to bed and made wild love all night" The next woman said "I went to my husband's office dressed like we said, He grabbed me and we did it on his office floor, then at home all night" The last woman said "I had on the black bra ,high heels and the mask, and when my husband came in the door, he said: what's for dinner Zorro".
At the Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down ? "She replied "Up." This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What’s the deal ? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing !" She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUC or DROWN"
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight." The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast. "Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast." "I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Two strippers are on their lunch break. Once their meal is over the first one takes out a cigarette and after a long drag says, "Awww. That really relaxes me every time!" The second one takes out a pail of salt water from under her dresser and dips her bum in it. "Awwww. That really takes the stress out of things!" she says. "But I think the Boss appreciates it more than I do" the second stripper continues. "The Boss said the customers always come out thirsty from my private booth..."