A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students. She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.” That’s when the teacher fainted…
One day Saint Peter came down with a terrible cold and had to call Jesus and say that he couldn't make it to work at the Pearly Gates. Jesus, being short on help, decided he would guard the Pearly Gates himself. It turned out to be a very uneventful day at the gate, with hardly a soul coming by to call. Then, late in the afternoon, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, he said, "Good afternoon. I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven." "Well," said Jesus, "tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honour?" "Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man, "but my son, now he was special! I raised him to be a carpenter and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike." As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!" Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and said, "Pinocchio!"
An eagle was feeling rather horny, so he swooped down on a dove and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the dove said, "I'm a dove and I like love." The eagle thought, "F**k that," and tossed the dove out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted an owl. So he swooped down on the owl and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the owl said, "I'm an owl and I like to howl." The eagle thought, "F**k that," and tossed the owl out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted a duck. So he swooped down on the duck and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the duck said, "I'm a drake and I think you've made a mistake!"
A man suffers a terrible car accident and winds up in the hospital where he wakes up completely enclosed in a cast save for a hole in his bum area for feeding and bodily wastes. A nurse comes in and starts pouring the mans supper thru a tube up his ass. As she starts pouring the coffee the man starts to yell for her to stop. "What is it!?" she asks "It's too hot!?" "No." the man replies. "There's not enough sugar..."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Ireland. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed on the bar, blue bottles drop into each of the three freshly poured pints. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks out the fly. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out, you little bastard.”
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found that his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking, and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE Of YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER. AND IF MY HORSE AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas? The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A big-shot attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days, and he quickly became a nightmare for the staff. He treated the nurses like they were his personal assistants, barking orders and complaining about everything. None of the hospital staff could stand him. But the head nurse? She was the only one who wasn’t afraid to put him in his place. One day, she walked into his room with a mission. "I need to take your temperature," she announced. He immediately started grumbling and whining for a solid five minutes, but eventually, he crossed his arms, opened his mouth, and gave in. "No, sorry," the nurse said, "I can’t use an oral thermometer for this reading." More complaints followed, but after a while, he rolled over and exposed his backside with a dramatic sigh. Once the thermometer was inserted, the nurse smirked. "I need to get something. You stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left, making sure the door was wide open behind her. The man fumed in embarrassment as people passed by, laughing. Twenty minutes later, the doctor came in, looking around with confusion. "What’s going on here?" he asked. The attorney, red-faced and frustrated, snapped, "What’s the matter, Doc? Never seen someone get their temperature taken?" The doctor paused, then, with a straight face, said, "Not with a Daffodil." The man froze. "A... what?!" The doctor just shrugged and walked out. The nurse had really outdone herself this time.
I could never get good WiFi on my farm. So I moved the router to the barn and I now have a stable connection.
Stress And Anxiety Medicine A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he has anything for somebody who needs to get through a really stressful situation. The pharmacist thinks for a few seconds and holds up a bottle of pills, "This is pretty strong stuff. One of these relaxes the mind and body, and the stress just melts away." "Ok, well maybe you better take two," the guy says as he pulls out a gun: "This is a robbery."
One sunday morning a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. "Yes" the girl says, "But i didn't have to go all the way round the back, there was a box near the front door that said," 'For the sick.'
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Never goes sour. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem — my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?” “I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a good poke in the leg.” In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!” Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. “Yes, you are right, my son,” said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!” Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. “Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!!”
A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18. So, he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again, he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd race and again wins $770! He keeps doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far $1,941,550! The crowds are all around him watching this race, because at 8:1 odd he can win $15,532,402! They're off! Everybody is cheering an urging on the horse, who seems to slide back a bit, and comes in last! Everybody is so disappointed, but a truly exciting day. The man goes home and his wife asks, "how'd he do at the truck." He answers: "I lost $2."
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth... back and forth..... in and out....... She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed..... Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"