Mick walks into a bar carrying a big Hessian bag with obviously something alive in it. Sean: "Whatcha got in the bag Mick? " Mick: "Not tellin' ya." Sean: "C'mon, tell me what's in the bag." Mick: "I tol' ya. I'm not fecking tellin' ya." SEAN: " I'll buy ya a pint if ya tell me." Mick: "OK, It's hedgehogs." Sean: "Hedgehogs! How many ya got?" Mick: "Not tellin' ya." Sean: "If I can guess how many ya got, will ya gimme one.?" Mick: "If ya can guess how many I got. Ya can have both o' them."
The pig with a wooden leg A man walks by a farm, where he sees a pig with a wooden leg. He's never seen anything like it before; the pig is just wandering around the farm, but with a well crafted wooden leg. His curiosity gets the better of him and he waves the farmer over. "Sorry to bug you," the man says, "but I just have to ask, how did that pig end up with a wooden leg?" The farmer laughs. "Well, that pig... he's mighty special. The pilot light in our oven malfunctioned in the middle of the night, and set the whole kitchen on fire. But that pig, he ran to the back door, kicked it in, ran through the fire and up the stairs, kicked open the door of my wife and I, and oinked furiously until we woke up. And before we could do anything, the pig ran to our infant daughter's room, dragged her out of her crib, and carried her safely on his back until all of us were well away from the house. That pig saved my entire family's life." The man is amazed. "That's incredible! But, how does that explain the wooden leg?" The farmer shakes his head. "Well, a good pig like that you don't eat all at once."
Three men got married The first man married a woman from Brighton. He told her that she was to do the dishes and the house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes put away. The second man married a woman from London. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Birmingham. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawns mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.' 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this.) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Spanish Oysters A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ... While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. ... He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?” “No, sweetheart,” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?” “Oy, no! I'm sorry, I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther “I didn't send that one, either.” Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him “So, why did you kiss me?” Abe answers “They'll find us.”
TigerWoods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice." Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trev says to Greg behind him, “s**t! My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Greg replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at the Shell Station repair shop. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.” So Trev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the Shell Station. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.” That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trev hurries back to BP, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Shell.
There was once an important actor, who has in a trouble. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You will walk onto the stage carry a red rose, you will hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then you will say the line… ‘Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress.'” The actor is get excited.All day long before the stage he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally it was the showtime.. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress”. The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was in madness! “You bloody idiot!” he cried, “You have ruined me!” The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked. “No!” the director screamed…. “You forgot the bloody red rose!”
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. Towards the end of the program, he had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie D) Cuckoo "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend, Paddy, back home in Dublin." Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "That’s simple, it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "That it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a fookin clock!"
My wife just phoned me and the conversation went like this: Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas…?” Me: “Yeah.” Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.” Me: “Right, I’ve done that.” Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion…?” Me: “I can see that, yeah.” Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other…?” Me: “Okay, I see them.” Her: “Well, behind those two, on the left-hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator holding a spear…?” Me: “Yes…! I can see him.” Her: “Right…! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday.”
Ordering Pizza In 2026 CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ... GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I detest vegetables! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know! GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE HELL! GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago..
Vito Corleone, the famous godfather, walks into a fine restaurant and after having a lavish dinner gets up and starts to leave. A waiter runs after him and says "I'm sorry Sir but you haven't paid for the meal!" The godfather looks at the waiter and replies "Crime never pays..."
A pothead winds up in Hell. While the Devil accompanies the pothead to a large looming iron shod wooden door, the pothead notices there's no fire anywhere and asks the Devil about it. "Oh! That's just marketing hype. There isn't any. Never has" replies the Devil On opening the door the pothead is greeted with a sea of fully matured marihuana plants with huge sticky colas perfectly dried hanging everywhere! "You're kidding!" the pothead says incredulously. "Isn't Hell supposed to be about suffering!?" "Naww" the Devil answers. "More marketing hype" So the pothead rushes in and after running for a while between the plants he takes out his rolling paper and rolls himself a cigar of a joint. He then starts looking for his lighter. After checking all his pockets and finding none he bangs on the door till the Devil comes up. "Why are you bothering me!?" the irritated Devil yells. "Sorry, Sir" the pothead replies. "But I can't find my lighter. Would you have a light?" "I told you already" the Devil smiles. "There's no fire here. Never has..."
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realized the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it. There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into s**t is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend. 3. If you are in s**t, keep your mouth shut!