Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Paddy and Murphy doing a crossword, "I'm stuck on 2 down Murphy: flightless bird from Iceland (6,7)" Murphy replies "ya thick twat that's easy...frozen chicken!!"
A Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%. A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee and ask, "What was his opinion?" Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Group Captain was surprised and asked, "why 100% pleasure?" "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy". At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little s**t's name is Kevin.”:
Just been conned on ebay. I bought the worlds biggest cardboard box but the one it came in was bigger.
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
What`s the worst part about getting a lung transplant ? The first couple of coughs it`s not your phlegm.
Peggy Sue It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?' 'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!' Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "It's The Twist, Mother! Its dance called - Let's Do the Twist!'
Texan's guide to life Never squat with yer spurs on. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON: you get uninvited man love AT WORK: it’s called sucking up to your boss IN PRISON: you get three meals a day. AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON: you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK: you get more work for good behaviour. IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON: you get your own toilet. AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK: they are called managers.
Ten reasons not to jog My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
How to get to Heaven from Ireland - A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.' It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
An Italian on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"