Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? Because only a few of them could pass the bar.
A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
I had an awful nights sleep last night……I was dreaming about making pancakes while operating a lathe. I was tossing and turning all night !!
We all get heavier as we get older because there's more information in our heads. So I'm not fat. I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold anymore so it started filling the rest of me. That's my story anyway.
Meteorology and weather reporting first came around during the early days of the Roman empire. And this was the first bulletin: "Hail, Caesar!"
My father, on his his death bed, angrily said to me, "You selfish boy!" And that's how I became a fishmonger...
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas, when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'"
I got an elevator to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son." "Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!" He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" Dad says: "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But the third old lady . . . she couldn't reach that far.
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He says “Yes, just caffeine.” “Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks. “Yes,” he says, “I was in Bosnia for two tours ." The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.” The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.” The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?” “‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
A man calls his insurance company to submit a claim for medical expenses after being hit by a car driven by a priest. The agent informed him they couldn't do anything as they don't cover acts of God...
A man meets a beautiful, sexy young woman. He really wants her. So, he invites her to a movie, and she tells him: "Listen, if it's sex, you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife." The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, so he buys her a good genuine Victorinox knife. They come to her home, she opens a big chest standing in a closet and puts his knife there. The guy sees that the chest is half-filled with such knives already. Then she takes him to her bedroom for a wonderful night together. The next morning, they're sitting at her kitchen, drinking tea, and he asks her: "Can I ask you a question? What would you need so many knives for? " "You see", she explains: "I'm young now. I'm beautiful. I have no trouble finding guys; in fact, they're the ones chasing me. But I know it doesn't last forever. One day, I'll be older, grey-haired, I'll be the one looking everywhere for a piece of love, and then... do you have any idea what a boy of eighteen would be willing to do for a good Swiss Army knife?"