During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland, it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied: 'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi had told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'
Paddy asks Mick "how'd the faith healing group go last night? Mick replies "pure s**te even the guy in the wheelchair got up & walked out"
Paddy & Mick are sitting in their car a policeman knocks on the window, the roll down the window the copper says "We're looking for 2 bank robbers" paddy nods his head at Mick who replied to the copper "ok we'll do it"
In Glasgow court a witness is being questioned by a rather stuck up PF (procurator fiscal) The PF questions "'You say you went to your friends house that night. Why did you go there?' WITNESS 'Tae get a tap.' PF is your friend a plumber?' WITNESS 'Naw.' PF "'Are you a plumber?' WITNESS '"Naw.' The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the PF realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the ! universal gesture of money. Daylight apparently dawns on the PF and he changes his line of questioning accordingly. PF 'So you went to the house to borrow money?' WITNESS 'Naw.' PF" Ah. You went to the house to lend money?' WITNESS 'Naw.' In exasperation the PF says, 'You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?'. WITNESS .'A Celtic tap.'
Philosophy Dad: "Hey son! What did you learn at school today?" Son: "Philosophy" Dad: "What's that?" Son: "Well, there's 2 men standing at the bathtub. They both have to take a bath. One of them is clean and the one is dirty. Bathtub is full of water and cannot be refilled. Who will take the bath first?" Dad: "The dirty one!" Son: "But if the dirty one takes the bath, how will the clean one take the bath after him? He will get dirty..." Dad: "Okay. Well. Then the clean one... He goes first!" Son: "But why would a clean person get a bath?" Dad: "That's some kind of b**...!" Son: "That's philosophy."
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
I spoke to a guy yesterday Age: 22 Portfolio: $1 million Started investing in 2021 Goal: Retire by 30 I asked him how he built a million-dollar portfolio so young. He said he convinced his dad to give him $4 million and invested it all in crypto.
A not too savvy young woman announces to her mother that her boy friend invited her to a drive-in movie. "Now you watch out,girl!" the mother warns. "If he starts getting fresh you look him in the eyes and ask him what'll we name the kid!" At the drive-in things go really fast and after all is done the young woman remembers what her mother said and says to the boy friend: "What will we call the kid?" The boy friend quietly removes his condom makes a knot in it and throws it out the car window. "Listen up" says the boy friend "If he gets out of there we'll call him Houdini!"
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed." So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize. Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again. Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied
Together A woman marries a man and has 3 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 3 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has 3 more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 3 more children. The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well. At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!" A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?” The man on his left says: “I think he means her legs.”
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride! “We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!” The Chinese man, after some consideration, says to the Jewish man: “Well, that doesn’t make any sense. What did you people eat back then?”
ALL You NEED TO LEARN ABOUT LIFE YOU CAN LEARN FROM THE EASTER BUNNY! Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There's no such thing as too much candy. All work and no play can make you a basket case. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. Some body parts should be floppy. Keep you paws off other people's jellybeans. Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages. The grass is greener in someone else's basket. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare. To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a rant listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies: "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday, I play golf."