A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar. The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?" "Yes, I am" he replies. "Well, Mr. President it's an honour." Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes, I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes. Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims: "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’ The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘Of course.’ The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside.’ ‘The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’ The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’ Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘Of course.’ Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia..’ The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’ The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’ The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’ ‘We throw them away, of course!’ The American smirked, shaking his head at the obvious question. Now it was the Australians turn to smile. ‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland turned to the priest sitting beside her and said, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course, my child. What can I do for you?” he replied. “Well… I bought my mother a very expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It’s still unopened, but it’s way over the customs limit. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Would you be willing to carry it through Customs for me—maybe under your robes?” The priest smiled gently. “I’d be happy to help you, dear. But I must warn you… I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father,” she said, “no one will suspect a thing.” When they reached Customs, she let the priest go first. The customs officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” The priest said, “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The officer frowned at the unusual answer, then asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” The priest replied, “I carry a marvelous instrument designed for a woman’s use — and as of today, it is still completely unused.” The customs officer burst out laughing and waved him through. “Go on, Father. Next!”
An elderly man walked into a car dealership, only to learn that the car he wanted had just been sold to a beautiful blonde. Frustrated, he said to the salesman: “I thought you said you’d hold that car until we came up with the $75,000 asking price! And now I hear you sold it to that young lady for $65,000! You told me there were no discounts on this model!” The salesman just grinned and shrugged. “Well… she had the cash. And honestly… just look at her. How could I resist?” At that moment, the blonde strolled over, dangled the keys in front of the elderly man, and said: “There you go. Told you I could get this joker to drop the price.” She winked and added: “See you later, Grandpa.”
Someone once asked a 100-year-old man what his secret was for staying healthy and living so long. The old man smiled and said: “I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. On our wedding day, my wife and I agreed that whenever we had an argument, the one who lost would have to walk 5 kilometers. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for 75 years!” Someone then asked, “That explains your health… but how is your wife still so healthy too?” The old man chuckled and said: “Easy… she’s been walking behind me for 75 years to make sure I actually did the 5 kilometers!”
A lady buys a parrot that spent all it's life in a whore house. As she puts it in the living room the parrot looks around and says "Nice whore house!" The ladies two daughters walk in and the parrot says "Two new whores!" Minutes after the husband walks in. The parrot looks at him and says "Hey, Fred! It's been a while!"
The Indians were advertising for a new motor race. 5 Million Men applied... far too many, so they said any men with only one Knacker could enter. 50,000 applied... still too many, so then they said any of the men with no Knackers could apply. Five Hundred Men applied, so they called it the 'India Knackerless 500'
A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere except his pecker. So, he decided to head to the beach, got completely naked, and buried himself in the sand with just his pecker sticking out. Two elderly ladies strolled by and saw it. One poked at it with her cane and said, "There isn’t any justice in this world." Her friend asked, "What do you mean?" She replied, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I’m 80, the dang things are growing wild — and I’m too old to squat!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.” The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft." "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said the doctor, "But I can cure pneumonia".
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
A small boy named Dave lived in the local village. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him. “Dave… you are driving me crazy!” One day Dave’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career! The mother was shocked at this feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved to another town! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an acute cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, of which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher finally decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she eventually opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a tall handsome Doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died! The Doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Dave, working as a cleaner in the Hospital Ward, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Vacuum! Don’t tell me you thought that Dave became a doctor! Sometimes I worry about you.
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed." So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize. Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again. Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied
The Big City Social Worker A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. While familiarizing herself with her new territory, she came upon a tiny cabin. Intrigued, she knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" A child's voice answered, "Yep." "Is your Father there?" "Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in." "Well, is your Mother there?" "Nope, Ma left just before I got here." Thinking she had a violation to report, she queries... "Are you ever together as a family?" "Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"