In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a f'n liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."..
My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel in the crown has got to be the stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big dumb dog to work. Every damn day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single day. Anyway, I drive these dipsticks around in my van and we solve mysteries and s**t
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat". "How long have you had this problem?" "Ever since I was a kid".
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?" Joe says, "Yes I did.""Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball." "Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is," says the the cop."Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
Dad comes in from work to his wife cooking dinner. "what you cooking" he asks "Steak and chips" "what about the vegetables" the wife answered "they're still at school"
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting, and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ‘It’s a period,’ he replied. I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?’ ‘Darned if I know,’ chirped the little boy, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!’…
A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if you're a real lorry driver you'll be able to back out of there with a full load !
Daughter at out of state college calling home: “I miss home." Mother: "It’s only been a month." Daughter: "How’s my dog?" Mother: "Sorry, he died." Daughter: "What? How could you tell me like this?" Mother: "How should I tell you?" Daughter: "Slowly, like today say he’s playing by the road. Then tomorrow he got hit by a car. And the next day he died." Mother: "Ok." Daughter: "Anyway, how’s grandma?" Mother: "She’s playing by the road……"
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant.
CHILD PRAYING MANTIS: Dad, who are we all praying to exactly? DAD PRAYING MANTIS: Depends which religion you belong to. CHILD: So not all bugs follow the same religion? DAD: No, son… we’re in sects.
Jim was fixing a door and realized he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Suzy to the hardware store. While waiting for the manager, Joe, to finish helping another customer, Suzy noticed a beautiful silver teapot on the top shelf. When Joe came over, she asked, “How much for the teapot?” Joe replied, “That one’s silver - it costs $300.” Suzy gasped, “My goodness, that’s a lot of money!” Then she explained the hinge Jim needed, and Joe went to the back to find it. From the storeroom, he called out, “Suzy, you wanna screw for that hinge?” Suzy smiled and shouted back, “No, but let's negotiate for the teapot!”
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
It's St George's Day, and a Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub when an Englishman bursts in and shouts "Drinks all round barman, we're having a toast! My son was born today, and being a true Englishman I've named him George!" Welshman turns and says "Congratulations! My lad was born on St David's Day and being A true Welshman I named him David." Scotsman says "Funny you should say that, my lad was born on St Andrew's Day and being A true Scot I named him Andrew." Irishman says "Bejeesus this is a coincidence! Wait 'til I get home and tell our Pancake!"
A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the breaststroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.
A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?” The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.” “Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?” “Yes. What’s your third question?”