A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, I’ll be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde: "Oh... We just got off highway 180".
A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.” The horse says, “Me neither!”
There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So, to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farmhouse. In the farmhouse there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So, they hid in them. When the cops came to the farmhouse the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officer’s yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there." Next, he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells: "POTATOES!"
I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a feckin cat!"
I was walking on the beach ... when I saw a guy in the water shouting: "Help, shark! Help!" I chuckled, knowing that the shark probably wasn't going to help.
To get into heaven you had to walk up 100 stairs. On each stair God will tell you a joke and if you laugh you go straight to HELL. So, the brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then red head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing, God asked her, "why are you laughing?" The blonde replied: "I just got the first one!"
A man's tire bursts right in front of the asylum. He laboriously drove the car to the side of the road. Then the usual: jack, spare tire, wheel nut wrench – and he unscrews the wheel. But the four wheel nuts roll away and fall into the street drain. The drain cannot be opened; the nuts are missing. The man looks desperately to the left and right and, discouraged, falls down onto the curb. An inmate, who had observed the whole thing from the beginning through the barred windows of the institution, shouts: "Hey, you idiot! What are you doing?" – “Don’t ask, my friend. Tire burst, and while changing it, the nuts fell into the drain.” – “You’re making everything so complicated! Just take one nut off each of the other wheels.” Then you have three per wheel. That will last until the next repair shop! The man does as he is told and calls out to the inmate: "And you – what were you doing in the madhouse?" The answer is legendary... "We are sitting here because of madness, my friend – not because of stupidity!" Madness is one thing, stupidity is another!
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different - 3 years ago I went to Spain and Jane got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Jane got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Jane got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year? Paddy replies - I'll take her with me.
A blonde man buys a ticket and wins the $20 million lottery jackpot. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it, and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out: "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
After digging to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago. Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: "English scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Scots." One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology."
Q: Why should 60 plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.