During a rock-climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the parties should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying, "She would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others." All ten blondes applauded.
Three women are in a gym locker room changing clothes before a workout. Suddenly a man runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. The women all get a very good look at his p…. and then stare at each other in disbelief. Stunned, the first woman says, "Well, that sure wasn't my husband." The second woman replies, "You're right, that wasn't any of our husbands." The third woman says, "Hey, that guy's not even a member of this club."
A Bishop and a young lady went to Heaven at the same time. The young lady went straight through the formalities at St Peter's Gate and into Heaven. It took a lot longer for the Bishop to get processed. Having been a Bishop, he was understandably miffed and asked St Peter why the lady had got through so much faster than him. St Peter replied: "Bishop, your work on earth for the Church is well known to us. But that young lady used to drive a Ferrari, and I have to say that she put the fear of God into many more people than you ever did"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises ?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
A man buys a property in the countryside next to a river where he builds himself a log cabin. A few days later some beavers build a dam and flood his property. He goes down to the General Store, buys some dynamite and proceeds to blow up the dam. A week later he finds himself flooded again by the beavers fixing up their dam. He blows the dam again but the beavers build it back up. He goes back down to the GS and complains to the owner. The owner sells him white paint with the instruction to slap some paint on the beavers heads while they're coming out of their hole in the morning and blow up the dam again. After doing as instructed, months go by without any grief from the beavers. Going back to the GS the man asks the owner how his trick could work. "Easy!" replies the owner. "The white paint makes them think they have Foreman hats so not a damn one is working!"
A receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!” The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist. “He's over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment “It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly “And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?” “The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady “Try standing on the dresser!”
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and Dad? " and she replied, "They`re up in bed " so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and she replied "They`re still up in bed " and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied "They`re still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked "What gives? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here? " The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
Screen Saver Bill Gates met God, and God said: "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a moment and rendered his decision, “God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." As you wish," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doing', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that," said God: "That was just the screen saver."
I'm fuming - I've just seen the Wife's profile on a Dating Site. The Lying Cow put, "Fun to be around
A good friend of mine tripped and fell onto the baggage carousel at the airport yesterday She bumped her head, but she’s slowly coming around…
A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it. Her husband won’t listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet. At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. She’s intrigued by all of them and then sees a bird as big as a bald eagle but looks like a parrot with all its colours. She asks the store clerk what the bird is and the clerk replies “Oh, it’s a goony bird! We just got it from Siberia! It’s tame really, go on and pet it!” So the woman did, and the goony bird affectionately rubbed its beak against the back of her hand. “That’s not all it can do!” continued the clerk. “These birds, aside from being loyal to their owners, are also used as protection birds! And so the clerk said “Goony bird! The shelf!” And the goony bird extended its large wings to their full span and flew over to the shelf across the room. It then proceeded to destroy and demolish the shelf. Once all that remained of the shelf was a pile of kindling, it went back to its shelf. The clerk continued, “Goony bird! The birdcage!” And so the goony bird destroyed the metal birdcage. The woman bought the goony bird instantly. She went back home to find her husband, no surprise, sitting on the couch, watching the big game. “You’re back,” he grumbles, barely looking up. “Have you got any salsa and chips for me? The cabinet’s out of it.” The woman smiles. “Honey, you won’t believe what I got from the store! It’s a goony bird, from Siberia!” The husband snorted with his usual put-down tone. “Goony bird, my ass!”
husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does. But then the wife suddenly stops and says, "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each. The pair go to the jewellery department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife`s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable, and she is about to explode as her husband says: "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town. The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they held hands. A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they kissed and kept walking. A little later the woman asks the man, ''You want to screw me don't you?'' The man says, ''How did you know? By the gleam in my eye?'' The woman says, ''No, by the tilt in your kilt.''
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin. With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.