Why did the bunny cross the road?? Cause it wanted to show its girlfriend he could hip hop. ...lol...
The Talking Australian Clock.... Late one night a drunken Kiwi was proudly showing off his new downtown apartment in Sydney (OZ) to a couple of friends, after a tour of the lounge and home theatre, he led the way to show off his bedroom and the magnificent view, one of the mates noticed a big brass gong hanging on the wall. What's that big brass gong for?' his friend asked. the owner slurred ............. 'Issss nod a gong.. Issss a talking Australian clock'. 'A talking Australian clock - are you serious?' 'Yup.' 'Hmmm 'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 'Just watch' he said. The owner picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back his three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For f*!k's sake, you stupid Kiwi prick. It's ten past three in the f*%king morning!!!’
IRISH SPEEDOS Paddy, who was over on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, but couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style, You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small. And then drop a fist sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate, you'll have all the babes ya want! The following weekend Paddy hits the beach again, with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by. Covering their faces, turning away, and even laughing, and some looking very sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' 'JAHEESUS' .... said the lifeguard. 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'
A guy was drinking his beer in the local bar, as usual, when suddenly a pirate enters the bar. It was a real pirate, with a wooden leg, an eye pad (not iPad), and a hook replacing his right hand. "Wow, a real pirate!" thought the guy, and he went to the pirate to ask some questions. - How comes you have a wooden leg? * Well, a still remember it very well. It was 30 years ago, and we were fighting with cannons and stuff. A cannon ball blew off my leg, so I put on a wooden one. - Oh, cool. And what about the hook? * I still remember that one pretty well too. It must be 25 years ago. We entered a ship and were fighting with sabers. I was distracted for only a split second, but that was enough for my opponent to slash my hand off. It's hard to live with only 1 hand, so I put on a hook. - That's pretty cool too! What about the eye pad. * I've had the hook for only 5 minutes and my eye was itching.
A man just heard from his college that it takes longer to come when doing it if you jack yourself off first. Because it was friday, and friday evening is the usual time for this kind of practices, he decided to try it and surprise his wife. He didn't really knew a place to jack himself off, so he decided to stop on a parking next to the highway. The problem was that if he did it in his car other people would see it through the windows. His solution was to go lying under his car. As soon as he was under his car he started the "job". To make it a bit more intense he also closed his eyes. Suddenly he heard a man coughing "ahum ahum". He stopped for a moment, but no one could see him anyway so he just went on and ignored it. A second time the man coughed, and again he just ignored the coughing. Now the coughing man said: "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?!". As a quick excuse he replied: "Well, I'm just checking my rear axle, something seems to be wrong with it." "I suggest you also check your handbrakes then", the coughing man replied.
Think of Confucius Hello all. To think about: > No matter what you give to a woman, she will make it better! > Give her a sperm, it will give you a baby, > Give him a home, it will make a home, > Give her a smile, she will give you her heart. > She multiplies and magnifies what is given him. > So if you give him a s**tty life .. > Marvel not that make you s**t
A MAN IS DATING THREE WOMEN A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to many. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company start, who was the founder, are they still with the company? 8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as "Judy! Is that you? Oh my word! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon , cut it out! Seriously, Leon , how's your momma?" And first and foremost: 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Indian Message To The Moon When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognising a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
do not piss off the old Mail from an old lady in his bank! Read, this is good. >>> Dear Sir, >>> I am writing to thank you for having refused the check would have allowed me to pay my plumber last month. >>> According to my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, that has over 26 years. I >>> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and debited my account for 30 euro fee for >>> Inconvenience caused to your bank. >>> My gratitude is all the greater that this incident prompted me to review the management of my finances - after all, I have nothing else to do. >>> Starting today, I will spend ten (10) times a day at your branch (we are neighbors) and including 11:50 ET 4:50 p.m. to remove 2 EUR; I table also species (1 EUR) and ask for a receipt. ALL >>> I will pay my purchases (even my baguette) by check. >>> In this regard, please send me immediately one hundred (100) checkbooks. As >>> I sometimes FORGET to sign some checks or to take different amounts figures and letters, I will ask you to be very careful since it would be a fault of your own. Of course, I'll tell my traders and ask them to make a copy of my checks, before wearing. ALL >>> I will stop my direct debit, I pay by check. ALL my mail >>> shall be deposited to your bank and addressed to the Director with the word "CONFIDENTIAL DO NOT OPEN". I >>> change monthly account my legal signature: with all these flights of checkbooks you can never be too careful. >>> Now, if I call you will hear "press the star key on your phone" You need to choose the language 1, 2, 3 or 4 (yes, at age 86 I speak 4 languages) When the language selected, you will: For type 1 >>> make an appointment with me Type 2 >>> any questions about late payment 3 >>> type to leave me a message Type 4 >>> talk to me Type >>> 5 to return to the main menu and start all over FINALLY >>> before I speak, you hear beautiful music, sung by me (no right SACEM) you probably know, entitled: "The little guy foam". >>> I wish you a happy new year and tell you until tomorrow. >>> Respectfully, Ms. M.I. >>> Moral: do not piss off the old ...! Google translate