Q: Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements? A: Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.
Jimmy: “Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.” Mike: “To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.” Jimmy: “What? You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? That will never happen.” Mike: “That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?”
I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck. "Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks: "What the phuck do they want with a plasterer?"
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
Two buddies are discussing fishing. "You always come back loaded with fish" says the first. "What's your secret!?" "Simple" replies the second. "When I wake up I look on what side my wife is sleeping on." "If it's on the right side I cast my line to the right and if on the left I cast my line to the left." "But, what happens if she's on her back?" asks the first. "I don't go fishing..."
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
Two rednecks are hired by a local contractor to put up scaffolding. The contractor, Fred, gets along so well with the rednecks that he brings them to the local eatery for dinner every day. Until one day Fred falls off the scaffolding and dies. Police are called in and finding no identification on Fred they ask the employees but all they knew of him was "Fred" Exasperated the officers then ask if there was something peculiar about him that could help identify him. "He has two assholes" the rednecks suddenly say. "What is this nonsense!?!" replies one of the officers "Where did you come up with this!?!" "It's true!" The rednecks answer in earnest "Every time we went to dinner the waiter would say, Hey! Here's Fred and his two assholes..."
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A black man was strolling about in Paradise when he happens to see God coming his way. "Lord, may I ask a few questions?" "Of course, my son." 'Why am I black?" "That's to hide you from your prey while hunting in the evening in your home of Africa" "Okay. Why do I have such thick and curly hair?" "That's to protect you from the sweltering heat and glaring sun that is common in your home in Africa." "One last question, Lord. Why was I born in Alaska!?!?"