An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Why doesn't Mexico have a Olympic team? Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S
Was driving along the freeway the other day when I started hearing this knocking noise! I pulled over and looked under the car. I had run over a jehovahs witness... How are jehovahs witness called in China? Ding-Dong! They tried to make an Advent calendar for jehovahs witness. It didn't work to well. Every door they opened got slammed back in their faces...
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"
Last time I shop there When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical screaming and store alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little louder and clearer! I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Alan walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Alan and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Alan says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Alan placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Alan, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Alan replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Alan took the money.
Daughter: "Dad, why is it that when a man has sex with many women, he is considered as a champion, but when a woman has sex with many men, she is a slut?" Dad: "Let me put it this way. A key that opens many locks is called the Master Key. A lock that can be opened by any key is useless."
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"