Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, "Check out my new cellphone; it's a watch!" The white guy and Asian say, "Very cool, dude." The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away naked to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still naked with paper hanging out of his butt crack. The Mexican and white guy say, "Hey, you have something hanging out of your a$#." The Asian guy says, "Oh look, I'm receiving a Fax!"
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she has slept with. She said, "Six. What about you?" I said, "None, I'm straight."
A woman has not had a date for 5 years.She goes to see the renowned Chinese sex therapist Dr Chang.He says "Take off all your crose and craw reery reery fas to other side of room.Now craw back to this side o room.As she does he says"No wonder you no get dates,is worse case o Ed Zachary disease i ever see."My god says the woman,what is Ed Zachary disease?"The Dr says"Is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
Sam: Hey John! John: Hey! Sam: Did you know Microsoft just bought Skype for ten million dollars? John: Really!? John: Idiots.... They could have downloaded it for free.
A little boy runs up to his mother and asks if he was adopted. "Oh don't be silly!" replies his mother. "We wouldn't have chosen you!"
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
In a distant future all medical needs are taken care of by "medical" booths strewn across the country like phone booths used to be. So in the booth walks a man with his urine sample and pours it in the receiving area. After a few minutes of analyzes, the booth tells the man he is slightly anemic and needs iron supplements Walking back home the man,being very skeptical, proceeds to put his sons, wife and daughters urine in a bowl. He then adds feces from his dog and to top it all he masturbates in the bowl and brings it back to the booth. After waiting a little while the computer in the booth gives it's diagnosis: -Your dog has worms... -Your son is doing cocaine... -Your daughter has STDs... -Your wife is pregnant... -It's not yours...
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (supposedly by Mr. Welch himself): "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Then others added these comments: 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT . But then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft uprgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say are you sure? before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. 11. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 12. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department. 13. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 14. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
Saw a poster today which said: "Millions of children in Africa are dying from malaria every day. To prevent this tragedy all we need do is provide mosquito nets. For a donation of just £5 - the price of a sandwich - you could save a life." Really makes you think doesn't it? Five quid for a fecking sandwich.
A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed. "I'd say 'neither am I'." She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..." "Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents.
Harley Davidson and GOD Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of that supermodel called "Woman"?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm," replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson: “But according to My Computer, more people are riding My invention than yours.