There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"
Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her and having an affair with the Maid. So, she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.... When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam", said the Gardener.
Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?" Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
A man walks down the street and sees a sign outside of a restaurant advertising that the chef will prepare anything no matter how unusual it might be. The man walks inside and tells the waiter, "I want a big steaming plate of s**t." The waiter replies, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that, that's impossible." The man reminds him about what the sign out front said. The waiter sighs and says says he will go and talk to the chef. The waiter goes back to the kitchen and explains the man's odd request. The chef agrees and he and the waiter drop their trousers and s**t on a plate. The waiter takes the plate out to the man. Five minutes later, the waiter returns to the kitchen covered from head to toe in s**t. The chef asks, "What the feck happened?" The waiter replies, "He said there was a hair in it!"
Two girlfriends are chatting over coffee. One says: "I am so angry with my husband, I hate him!!!" "What happened?" "I asked him for $200 to visit a beauty salon." "What, he didn't give?!!" "Worse! He looked at me carefully and gave me $500!"
Ain't that the truth... The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm. "The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him. "So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain. "So the king hired the donkey.And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.The practice is unbroken to this date...