Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?" Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"
Some old hunting buddies were enjoying their cognac after a supper of epic proportion when they fell into telling hunting stories. After everyone boasted of their once in a life time catch, the host suddenly says: "Have you ever heard of Notuses?" The buddies reply in unison: "What the hell are Notuses!?!" "Well" the host continues "They're about 3 feet tall, run around in packs and have this incomprehensible language." "But when you pointed your gun at them they ran away screaming 'Not us! Not us!"
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fecking Coco Pops."
A red neck decides to enroll in a peculiar militia. Arriving at the gate a huge billboard presents itself saying "To be evaluated, all potential candidates must have a hairy face" As it happens, the red neck has not a whisker on his face and is totally bald! A recruiter notices him and yells: "Get over here, you!" "Didn't you see the billboard!?!" "Yes, I have" replies the red neck while dropping down his pants revealing a huge wiry bush! "I'd like to try out as an undercover agent!"
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?" A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."
Two guys are sitting in a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other man says, "Go home, dad. You’re drunk."
Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"
A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"
A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's." "Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"
A man walks into his doctors office. Man- My son has an STD Doctor- Well, it's him I need to see. Not you. Man- He's also been sleeping with the maid, so maybe she has it? Doctor- Bring in the maid also! Man- I'm not finished, Doc. I've been sleeping with the maid also.Maybe I have it? The doctor stares at the man for a second and asks: "Have you had sex with your wife lately?" "Yes. 3-4 days ago. Why?" asks the man. "Oh for Pete's sake!" yells the doctor. "Now we all have it!"
A boy went home from school. His homework was to put down the things his family said. So he goes to his mother who was talking on the phone. The boy asked "Mum, can you help me do my homework? The mother says "Shut up!" And goes back talking on the phone. The boy wrote that down. He then went to his father watching a football commercial saying "Hell yeah!" So the boy wrote that down. The boy went to his little sister and his sister said "Lollipop, Lollipop" So the boy wrote that down. The boy went to his little brother and the brother said "DUNDUNUNUNUN, BATMAN!" So the boy wrote that down. The next day, the boy went to school and the teacher said "So what are the words?" The boy said "Shut up!" The teacher, shocked, calmly said " Do you want to go to the principal's office?" The boy said "Hell yeah!" So at the principal's office, the principal said "What do you think you deserve in this situation?" The boy said "Lollipop lollipop!" The principal yelled "Who do you think you are?!" And the boy said " DUNUNUNUNU, BATMAN!"