Two cannibals are strolling about in the jungle. "I'm fed up with my wife. I just don't know what to do with her anymore!" says the first. "Come on over to my hut" replies the other "I'll lend you my cookbook..."
A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him: "I have two news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news. With which one should I start?" And the violinist replied: "With the good one." The angel continues: "After you die, you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven's Orchestra." The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied: "The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow."
I told my blonde friend this joke: There were 3 blondes walking on a track: 1 said they were goat tracks, the other one said they were horse tracks, the third one said they were cow tracks. Then they got hit by a train. My friend asked, "So what tracks were they?"
A cannibal goes on a plane. At some point the stewardess starts distributing menus. Coming up to the cannibal she hands him a menu. "Thank you" he says "But I'd rather have the passenger list..."
A passionate preacher in a small southern church was bringing his thunderous temperance sermon to a dramatic climax. Pounding the pulpit with fire in his eyes, he declared, "If I had all the beer in this entire world, I’d load it up and pour every last drop straight into the river!" Wiping his brow, he leaned forward with even greater fury: "And if I had every bottle of wine in this world, I’d take it and dump it all right into the river!" Finally, shaking his fist toward the rafters, his voice roared through the chapel: "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour every single drop into that river!" Exhausted and thoroughly pleased with himself, the preacher took his seat behind the altar and bowed his head. A heavy silence fell over the pews. After a few quiet moments, the church song leader slowly stepped up to the choir stand, cleared his throat, flashed a sly grin at the congregation, and whispered into the microphone: "For our closing selection this morning, please turn to Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy playing chess against a dog. He says, "That's amazing! That dog is a genius!" The owner replies, "Ehh, not really. I'm winning three games to two."
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again, the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers: "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
I’ve started going up to peoples doors and preaching about my new gym, it’s called Jehovah’s Fitness.
I saw Paddy in the newsagent with a shoelace undone. “Mind you don’t trip, Paddy.” “It’s these bloody instructions,” he says. “Underneath the shoe it says Taiwan.”
Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?” “Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer. “And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?” “Sure is, Patrick.” “And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?” “Yep.” “And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?” “That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?” “Well, I was thinkin’. . . What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.