Two cannibals are strolling about in the jungle. "I'm fed up with my wife. I just don't know what to do with her anymore!" says the first. "Come on over to my hut" replies the other "I'll lend you my cookbook..."
A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him: "I have two news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news. With which one should I start?" And the violinist replied: "With the good one." The angel continues: "After you die, you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven's Orchestra." The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied: "The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow."
I told my blonde friend this joke: There were 3 blondes walking on a track: 1 said they were goat tracks, the other one said they were horse tracks, the third one said they were cow tracks. Then they got hit by a train. My friend asked, "So what tracks were they?"
A cannibal goes on a plane. At some point the stewardess starts distributing menus. Coming up to the cannibal she hands him a menu. "Thank you" he says "But I'd rather have the passenger list..."
A passionate preacher in a small southern church was bringing his thunderous temperance sermon to a dramatic climax. Pounding the pulpit with fire in his eyes, he declared, "If I had all the beer in this entire world, I’d load it up and pour every last drop straight into the river!" Wiping his brow, he leaned forward with even greater fury: "And if I had every bottle of wine in this world, I’d take it and dump it all right into the river!" Finally, shaking his fist toward the rafters, his voice roared through the chapel: "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour every single drop into that river!" Exhausted and thoroughly pleased with himself, the preacher took his seat behind the altar and bowed his head. A heavy silence fell over the pews. After a few quiet moments, the church song leader slowly stepped up to the choir stand, cleared his throat, flashed a sly grin at the congregation, and whispered into the microphone: "For our closing selection this morning, please turn to Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."