Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?” “My uncle Mick” replies Paddy. “What’s so special about him?” asks Mary. “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, “Your mum’s the best shag in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!” Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar’s far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!” Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?” The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?” Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb sign on it.”
Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in and does the same. The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?” And Paddy replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick