Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?” “My uncle Mick” replies Paddy. “What’s so special about him?” asks Mary. “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, “Your mum’s the best shag in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!” Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar’s far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!” Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?” The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?” Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb sign on it.”
Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in and does the same. The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?” And Paddy replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’ The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.’ The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’ ‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.’ ‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind, I would like to come back at 10′ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock, the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’ The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland’
Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads: Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and earn €2000 So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling, F**k that, I can’t breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! You’ll never do it Paddy!” Paddy says, No sweat Murph! Get me in there. So Paddy goes in and spends a full 10 minutes in the room and comes out… Murphy says, Fu****g hell Paddy!!! How did you do it!?” Paddy says, Easyyy Murph, I did a s**t in one corner and sat in the other!”
Anniversary Two old-timers were chatting at a restaurant. One said, “Hey, Max, isn’t this your fiftieth anniversary?” Max replied, “Yep.” “Well,” his friend inquired, “what are you planning on doing?” Max replied, “Well, I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our twenty-fifth anniversary.” “Hmm,” the friend said, “you’ll have to do something special for your fiftieth. What are you going to do?” “I guess,” Max answered, “I’ll go back to pick her up.”
Paddy walked into a doctor’s office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked him What happened to your ear? Paddy replied: I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. Still not satisfied, the doctor asked Well, what happened to the other ear?
Three men die on Christmas eve To get into heaven, St Peter says You must have something on that represents Christmas to get in” The English man flicks on his lighter and says: It’s a candle St Peter lets him pass. The Welshman jingles his keys and says they are jingle bells St Peter nods and lets him pass. The next thing, Paddy steps up to the door and pulls a bra out of his jacket pocket. St Peter says What is this to do with Christmas? Paddy answers: Oh they were Carols.
I set out to prove that I am not a creature of habit. First, I put my left sock on. Then I put the right leg into a pair of underwear. Then half of the right leg into a pair of jeans. Then a t-shirt but only the neck. Then the left leg into the underwear. Then the right arm of the t-shirt. Then half of the left leg of the jeans. Then the other half of the right leg. Then I put my right sock on. Then the left arm of the t-shirt. Then the other half of the left leg. It was here that I realized that the t-shirt was inside out and I had to start all over again.
Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue Paddy says: Jaysus would you look at this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to! Mick agrees with Paddy and says Right i’m ordering one right now! A few weeks later, Paddy says to Mick Has your woman showed up yet? “No” says Mick But it shouldn’t be long now her clothes arrived yesterday
Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside. Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. The boy asked his father Pat, What is this dad? Pat (who had never seen an elevator before) responded, Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is! While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room. The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in reverse order. The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out. Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… Go get your mother!
I've just been sacked by Madam Tussauds for giving fake tans to Jim Morrison and his band mates. They told me to leave immediately and never darken their doors again.☹️