There are only 10 types of people in the world — those who understand binary, and those who don’t. (okay, that one is old, but i still laugh at it because of today's use of the word "binary")
An Irish bodybuilder takes off his shirt, and the blonde woman says: Wow what a great chest you have! He says 100 lbs of dynamine babe! He then takes off his pants, and the blonde says Wow what massive calves you have! He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running, screaming in fear. He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. Once he eventually caught up to her, he asked why the hell she ran away like that. The blonde replied: I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!
Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise. Murphy says It’s awfully quiet on deck tonight. Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.” Murphy says, There isn’t a band playing tonight. Paddy says, But I definitely heard some fecker say A band on ship
The new man is hired at a building site. Every day he arrives in a top-spec Mercedes. The other builders are wondering how he could afford it and start hassling the foreman, thinking he must be getting better pay. After a few days of hassle, the foreman asks him what the story is. Foreman: How can you afford that car? New man: I’m a gambler. If I thought I’d make money, I’d gamble on two flies going up a wall. Foreman: But how can you make money? Surely you must lose every now and then? New man: Nope! I always make money. I’ll take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, you’ll have constipation and white dots on your arse. €200, what do you say? So the foreman takes the bet. And he’s careful. He uses the double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub, and ensures he isn’t sitting on any dodgy surfaces. After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. New man: I have to check, don’t I? Can’t just take your word for it. The foreman isn’t pleased, but he wants the €200, so he allows an inspection. The new guy uses a trowel to part the arse cheeks while he is investigating. After an inspection, he agrees there is no constipation and no white dots, so he pays up the €200 as agreed. Foreman: How do you make money??!! Taking a stupid bet like that. How the heck does that work? New man: I didn’t tell you this, but I took a bet with every man on the site I’d have your arse on a trowel today……!
I think that milk should have an additive. If it is white, it is safe to use. If it is blue, don't even bother smelling it, it has started to turn sour.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a Guinness before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another before it starts.” She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another; it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore …” The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”
Easy. That car front and center on the left is way newer than 1960. I'd have to do some digging for how much newer.
A garda pulls over a speeding car. He says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Are you sure? I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, didn’t I tell you to keep your mouth shut!” The garda frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, Sir. That’s an on-the-spot 60 euro fine. “The driver says, “Well, you see, sir, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.” And as the garda is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??” The garda looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?” Smiling sweetly, she replies. Only when he’s been drinking, Sir.”
Hmm... Well, only Ireland calls their policeman "garda". And Northern Ireland's currency is the Pound Sterling while the Republic of Ireland is the Euro. But nowhere in Ireland are speed limits in miles per hour.
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?” “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!” “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo “I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, “So I’ll use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..” Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. “Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.” “Are you sure?” “I’m fookin sure.” Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Chris. “Dat it is.” There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!” The next night, Mick went round to Paddy’s to buy him a drink. “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?” “Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”
A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foreman’s door. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the Irishman. “Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the Foreman. “Take your axe and go cut it down.” The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes, he was back knocking on the Foreman’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the Irishman. “Holy smokes!” Said the Foreman. “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?” “In the Sahara Forest,” replied the Irishman. Confused, the Forman asked, “… don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” “Oh… Is that what they call it now?”
Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones. “Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us” Paddy called as he caught his breath.”You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” Joseph called. “My friends are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!”
An Irishman goes to the doctor and he says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. “So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” No,” replies the doctor, “take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. “Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patient’s wife.” Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?” “Oh, he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets, he would be all right.”, “Oh, the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
I am giving away all my hobby materials, as I no longer have the desire to do anything with them. It is a lot of work with very little recognition. I am extremely tired, and have very little time to use them ... Please don't ask any questions, as I can't handle talking about it anymore. Below is a list of materials available. Serious enquiries only please. Thanks for reading and understanding. Pick up only" 1. Dustpan and broom 2. Sponges 3. Dusters 4. Mop and bucket 5. Window cleaner 6. Vacuum 7. Dishwashing liquid 8. Laundry detergent 9. Fabric softener 10. Laundry baskets 11. Toilet brush 12. Cleaning sprays 13. Scrubbing brushes 14. Ironing board and Iron
A police officer on patrol in the evening near a used car lot notices two people sitting in a car on the lot. Upon investigating it happens to be two old ladies. "What are you doing there, ladies?" the cop asks. "Were waiting" they both reply. "Well, you can't do that here. You have to leave" "We can't. We don't know how to drive and we don't even have a license" "Then, why are you sitting here for the love of God!" the police officer blurts out. "We heard from a reliable source that if we deal with the salesman we could get screwed!" was the reply...
A middle aged farmer sitting down for breakfast suddenly grabs one his very portly wifes bum cheek and says: "If that could be ham I wouldn't have to care for the pigs!" As his wife brings him his coffee he grabs one of her big saggy boobs and says: "If that gave milk I wouldn't have get up at 5 am to care for the cows" Upon hearing this, the wife suddenly grabs her husbands jewels and says: "If that still worked we wouldn't have to keep lodging your brother..."