the garage the garage At the gate of Heaven, a furious kind appears before St. Peter. - But dammit, what am I doing here! He yells. Look at me: I'm 35, I am in great shape, I do not drink, I do not smoke, last night I lay quietly in my bed and now I find myself in heaven! This is certainly a mistake - Well! That never happened, but anyway I will check, meets St. Peter, a little disturbed. - How is your name? - Dugommeau. Norbert Dugommeau. - Yes ... And what is your profession? - Mechanic. - Yes ... Ah, now I have your card. Dugommeau Norbert, garage ... Well, Mr. Dugommeau, you died of old age, that's all. - In old age? But still it is not possible, I'm only 35 years ..... Ah me I don't know, Mr. Dugommeau. But was the account of all the hours of labor that you billed, and it gives 123 years. GOOGLE TRANSLATE.
Those are good A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads, "Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?" She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am." He says, "Well, wash your friggin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich." Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
I'm sorry to rain on your parade, but that's only the volume one! Release dates of volumes 2-73920 are currently unknown...
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day. 2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. I love the next one!!! 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Canadian, eh. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math. 2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown. 3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations. 4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 5. Weed. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1. Big rock between you and B.C. 2. Ottawa who? 3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country. 4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country. 6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 1. You never run out of wheat. 2. Your province is really easy to draw. 3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 4. People will assume you live on a farm. 5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that! TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property. 2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes. 3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood. 5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1. You live in the centre of the universe. 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 1. Racism is socially acceptable. 2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next. 3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada . 4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!" TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income. 2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick . 4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can. 2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt. 3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge. 2. You can walk across the province in half an hour. 3. You can drive across the province in two minutes. 4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea." 5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from. 6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea. 2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse. 3. The workday is about two hours long. 4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding. Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle. Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed. The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart 50° Fahrenheit (10° C) · Californians shiver uncontrollably. · Canadians plant gardens. 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) · Italian Cars won't start · Canadians drive with the windows down 32° Fahrenheit (0° C) · American water freezes · Canadian water gets thicker. 0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) · New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. · Canadians have the last cookout of the season. -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) · Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. · Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. -109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C) · Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. · Canadians pull down their earflaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) · Ethyl alcohol freezes. · Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg -459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C) · Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. · Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) · Hell freezes over. · The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
My New Primary Care Physician Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad? Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans... 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
i shall let you folks in on a well-kept medical secret; the definition of an alcoholic. an alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his doctor.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you s**tting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night. The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe in Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She wore Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora........ The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"