The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. ~ My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff." ~ Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it.." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!" ~ Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." ~ Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft fool," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!" ~ An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels . After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” ~ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. ~ In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things… 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.” ~ DATING IN THE 60s It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? tea?' 'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea. 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.' 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised. 'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!' 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the .....Twist!'
AUSTRALIAN IDIOT SIGHTINGS. IDIOT SIGHTING 1: I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Maryborough Qld IDIOT SIGHTING 2: We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld. IDIOT SIGHTING 3: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' Story from Bauple Qld IDIOT SIGHTING 4: My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Bankstown, Sydney ..... IDIOT SIGHTING 5: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' This happened at Brisbane Airport IDIOT SIGHTING 6: The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee in the Gladstone P.O. Qld IDIOT SIGHTING 7: When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' Holden Dealership Townsville Qld STAY ALERT!
Tear Jerker This will warm your heart......... Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was Certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had Started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for The rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front Of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch! "
A customer called in with modem problems. Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed." Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?" Me: "Make sure all windows are closed." Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here." Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time! __________________________________________________________ Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?" Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..." ___________________________________________________________ I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in. Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?" Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there." Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?" Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages." Woman 1: "Why?" Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin." ___________________________________________________________
An Australian Love Poem Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer -> Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new G.P. doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yeh I just reached 65). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs? 'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 85? -> My first day of employment after retiring After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ....... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be f*****g stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone f****d you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings." My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work -> The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board! After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!
In most of the US there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperature drops to single digits or below. One very cold morning, at about 3AM, Montana State trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an old man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gear-shift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!". The man nodded, turned his wheel and killed the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 MPH. Who says trooper's don't have a sense of humor?
Lady: Do you smoke? Guy: Yes I do. Lady: How many packs a day? Guy: 3 packs. Lady: How much per pack? Guy: $10.00 per pack. Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Guy: 15 years Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct? Guy: Correct. Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct? Guy: Correct. Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari? Guy: Oh. Do you smoke? Lady: No. Guy: Then where's your fu**ing Ferrari?
Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
Santa to son: Look at Banta's daughter. She got first position in class. Son: Dad, I used to look at her all the time. That's why I got failed.
Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
On a train from London to Manchester, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your 'stiff-upper-lip' makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME !! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood !! What do you say to that ?" The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap !!"