A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
New prefix If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait Bimbag - a blonde's purse Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her Bimboette - a young blonde Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes Bimboozle - to fool a blonde Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence Bimbozo - another name for a blonde Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
A beautiful female college student comes to a young professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, “I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “… I would do…anything!!!” He returns her gaze. “Anything???” “Yes… Anything!!!” His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you….. study???”.
'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND ' 'Hello, is this the Police Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Jack and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house. 'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence...then one Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!" ----------------- Boss wants too much For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Boss: "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?" Dilbert: "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot." Boss: "Oh, that's right." Wally: "I wonder if he'll ever realise we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch." ----------------------------------------------- Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau. Wife: What did he say? Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was a thermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it to work one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said what is that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What does it do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you have in it? I have coffee and a popcycle in it. ---------------- Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those f*****g lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: 0 0 and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your a**hole before prison......"
Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See those guys over there ? " Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks?" he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now Johnny, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And Johnny answered, "Mom."
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began: "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teaher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Scouse Eggs Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f *ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already."