Man: Waiter, will you try the soup? Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold? Man: Will you just try the soup. Waiter: Is it too hot? Man: Will you just try the soup Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir? Man: Will you just try the damned soup son Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup... Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP! Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon. Man: Exactly.
Once, Nelson Mandela was sitting at home watching TV and drinking tea when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he was confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him was an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson, standing there in complete amazement, the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man was back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela smiles and says "look young man...you've got the wrong man" The following day, Nelson was resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same little Chinese man thrusted a clipboard under his nose, & shouted, "You sign! You sign!" behind him were two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "Aren't you Nissan Main Dealer?"
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence . Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants then..."
Parking Tickets So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.