Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes'.
File these under "Ultimate Insults": Whenever I look at you I'm convinced your parents were siblings. If bulls**t was a nickel a ton you'd be a billionaire. Your family tree is like a cactus; they're all pricks as far as I'm concerned. You're not really fat; you're just very easy to spot from an extreme distance. If I was a bird yours would be the first head I would s**t on. Which sexual position is guaranteed to produce ugly children? I don't know. You should go ask your mom. What's the difference between your wife and a walrus? One has a big moustache and smells like fish; the other is a walrus. You are living proof of reverse evolution. The look on your face reminds me of Lassie taking a s**t. When you die they'll give you an enema and bury you in a shoe box. I'd have you committed but I don't want everyone else in the asylum to be pissed off at me. The only way you'll ever get laid is to hold your breath, crawl up a chicken's ass, and wait. You suck the farts from a dead monkey's ass. Did you ever get around to suing the bus company for hitting you in the face with that bus? Jesus loves you. But everyone else thinks you're a real asshole. Where did you get that haircut? In a pet shop? The last time I saw someone that looked like you, I had to pay admission to enter the tent. Stupidity is not a crime; you're free to go. I'd like to talk some more but I have to be getting back to planet Earth. Someone must have pissed in your gene pool. You have something stuck to your chin . . . no, not that one . . . not that one . . . not that one . . . not that one . . . Never say you're lost in thought; that's unexplored territory as far as you're concerned. I never forget a face; but in your case I'll make an exception. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will be bulls**t anyway. I haven't been ignoring you; I've only been prioritizing you. The last time I saw a face like yours, it had a hook in it's mouth.
If My dog had a face like Yours, I'd shave his ass and make Him walk backwards. The hardest 5 years of Your life was First Grade. I heard that Your brother is twice as smart as You and he's only a half wit. If they cut 6 inches off your prick, there'd be a 5 inch hole between your legs. Did Your mother have any kids that lived? Is that your head, or did Your neck throw up. And then the ultimate question: If I were You and You were Me, Who's the Asshole.
Alleged Florida gang member is allergic to "weird" white people A wonderfully quotable Florida gang member who tried to run from a cop after being found with marijuana explained that, “I don’t like white people touching me, white people do weird stuff.” Officer Joseph May was at a Clearwater gas station early Tuesday morning when he was approached by Taurus Jabriel Brown, whom the cop recognized as “a gang member from the community I work in,” according to a police report. Brown, 19, told May that he “would like to be a police officer one day.” The teen then shook hands with the cop, who noticed a marijuana blunt tucked behind Brown’s ear. “Is this weed?” May asked. “How stupid are you?” After being asked to place his hands behind his back, Brown reportedly “tensed, pulled away, and attempted to run out of the front door.” He did not get far, thanks to a takedown move executed by the Clearwater Police Department patrolman. “Damn, man, all this for weed. Wow, bro, you must want to make an arrest,” said Brown, who added, “I’ll plead guilty, I’ll go to court and plead guilty, please don’t take me to jail. Can you tell the judge I plead guilty?” When Officer May asked Brown why he tried to flee, the teen replied, “I don’t like white people touching me, white people do weird stuff.” Asked by May to further expound on his thoughts, Brown said, “Nah, I’m playing. I let you catch me.” But he then added, “White people are weird as f**k, doe.” Brown was charged with pot possession and obstruction, both misdemeanors. He remains locked up in the county jail on $300 bond.
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly ... So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes'.